Growth spurt and what not.

All I keep reading about when I type in the google machine "why is my baby feeding more?" Is "its probably a growth spurt, they happen at 2, 3, 6 weeks old blah blah". Well how long do these growth spurts go on for hey. One feed? One week? Obviously not. Why dont they just say "your baby will have a growth spurt from the minute they are born up until 12 weeks" were pretty much covered then. Again with routine. Just say "dont bother with getting your hopes up that your baby will sleep for 4 hours at a time because they're going to have a growth spurt and all will be thrown". No confusion there. No lies. No getting my hopes up thay sleep is on the horizon.

"Sleep when baby sleeps" BALLSHIT. How do you expect me to do this! Im sure all parenting websites are talking at first time mothers. Sleep when baby sleeps. Pah. My house would be utter mayhem. Flynn would run riot. But I suppose I would have caught up on sleep to deal with the dilemma.

Thank god I haven't clung onto every bit of advise ive read/heard otherwise I'd be pulling my hair out. Instead ive decided to go with my instincts and feed baby when she wants to be fed. Clean when I get the chance. Play with flynn as much as possible. And laze in my pyjamas most of the day. Lazy yes. Helpful extremely. Why waste what little brain power I have at the moment on the small things. Babies come first. Happy quite babies. Happy calm mama!

Lowsy

I feel shit. Damn right shit. I haven't washed my hair since I cant remember. Left the house for longer then 5 minutes. Had a conversation that didnt involve the kids. Hoovered. Made the bed or got dressed for that matter. Its making me feel trapped. I knew having 2 would be difficult on my emotions and the housework. But I wasnt quite prepared. I thought I was. You can't ballshit a ballshitter.

I dont know if its just because I'm mega tired but my emotions are on speed. Flying high and ive lost control. I feel like ive lost who I am again. I thought I had gained her back but she's slipped away under the nappies and eye bags. It all rang true the other day when Lee's sister came round, admittedly I was knackered, but all I wanted to do was go. Leave the situation. My mind was blank and I had nothing to say. Later that evening a friend came round to meet Isla and then they both went out for a few drinks. There was a last minute 'do you want to come Sarah?' Which was an obvious no, seeing as I look like I should be living on the streets with a baby stuck to my tits none stop. Then when isla was having a night feed at 2am the tears started rolling, I dont have any friends.  Lee's sister was once my best friend. Before I met Lee.  Before I had babies and became boring. We're still close but I became a shit friend when the PND came with Flynn and I was too scaed to answer the phone. The friend that came round I met through Lee's sister anyway and she only came round because Danielle was here and they were going out for a drink. Nothing to do with me. My other close friend is all the way in New Zealand, being free as a bird. And thats it. All my other friends aren't ones I can really talk to. Some I've met through having babies and others just along the way.

The hideous 'I want to be alone' feeling is slowly crawling back, I dont want to answer the phone and I dont want anyone round. My only friend seems to be my mum at the moment. As much as I love my mum and she does so much for us but I need more. Im starting to sound like a lost child.

Its only been 2 days of feeling like this, I haven't had a nap in the day for the past few days though which seems to really help. And been going to bed later then ive wanted so that hasnt helped. Lee's gone away this weekend to celebrate a friend's 30th. I again am missing out. I dont want to say PND at the moment but im not going to rule it out. I see the Dr for my 6 week post-natal check up next friday so we'll see what happens between now and then.

Hopefully some smiles and love.

1 month

Time flies when you're being milked like a cow! My teeny weeny newborn is growing right before my very eyes and I feel like im missing it all. I've never seen a baby grow so quick. I can feel her gaining weight with every gulp of milk she takes. And thats all down to me. If I wasnt so freaking knackered (understatement) I'd be glowing all over. The glow is there its just hidden by bags and pyjamas and a messy house. I cant believe how much im in love, not just with Isla but with my Flynn aswell. Ive fallen in love with him all over again. Hes still the devil child at times but he's so in love with Isla it melts my heart. I can see how much he's grown up aswell, it makes me feel proud. I must be doing something right. I keep saying I have now idea what I'm doing with these kidlets but when I step back and have a proper look I can see they're both thriving. I may never catch up on sleep and look like a backward zombie forever more but I have two very gorgeous little bubbys to show for it. We survived a whole month in one piece. Just about.

Silent sunday

Dummy dummy!

I have no idea what im doing with these kids! Who ever said second time round its easier is a pure lier! Isla is a dream and flynn still seems to really love her! My problem is the breastfeeding. We have no routine at all. Im guessing im feeding her properly as it doesnt hurt anymore and by the feel of her shes putting on loads of weight. Other wise ive no idea if she is feeding well at all. I dont know if shes full or satisfied. She seems to feed ALOT! Mainly in the morning and around dinner time which is a bitch because I need to do things at both those times to feel human! I feel like I just feed her to send her off to sleep most feeds. So instead of being a dummy I consulted in the trusty mums of babycentre.  "No no dont use a dummy it will decrease your milk supply" were the  replies I got. Oh great. How ever hard I tried to listen I just couldnt. But I feel super bad for it. Am I just being selfish and stuffing rubber in her mouth when really shes hungry? But if shes hungry she wouldnt fall asleep would she? Oo the questions! Flynn had a dummy. This was because he was using the bottle as a dummy, giving himself wind, spuuing up what he had just eaten, thus needing more milk to fill the hole, back to square one, vicious circle.  Im thinking Isla is the same. A sucker. But my poor nips cant take the job of a dummy if this is the case. But I dont want to loose milk just because I dont have a clue what im doing! I nope this resolves itself as I really dont know what im doing. 

Silent sunday

Dear so and so..

Dear Isla,

Girl you LOVE to eat! If it were possible you'd be sucking me dry. Im not complaining I'm loving our cuddles together but if you could give me a break between the hours of 5pm till 11pm I would be eternally grateful. All I need is a little sleep to keep me going, I appreciate you slept for two 4 hrs straight last night but I didn't get any kip from 6am till 11pm! Im propping my eyes open with tooth picks here. Im just being dramatic,  atleast im giving you the good stuff you need and I know you like it so I suppose we're onto a winning streak here.

Love from her who has never had bags this size before.

Dear Flynn,

I hope you don't think I'm neglecting you mate. Its just your wee sister is a guzzler and im not too great at multi tasking just yet. I know you love spending time with all the people I've been fobbing you off with, so dont make me feel too bad. I still love you and we'll do lots of fun stuff together soon. Not today though as it's raining cats and dogs out there but soon. Promise.

Love from her who needs 10 pairs of hands and 3 bodies.

Dear self,

Don't be so hard in your self. You can't conquer the world (yet). If the house is a mess, hey ho. If the dishes are piled high, care bears. If you cant leave the house when you want, big deal. Just consentrate on making Isla a fatty, keeping Flynn smiling and happy and keeping your mind clear and working properly. Dont stress, its still early days.

Love her who cares too much.

Resolution

I've been thinking long and hard about what resolution I want to make and try really hard not to break. No booze..that's easy as I'm breast feeding. No sweets...I can live without anyway. Exercise more...no chance, I don't even get a chance to wee let alone get out the house by myself. This pointless list could go on, so I came to the conclusion to think a bit deeper, delve in a bit more and think about me. Me as a mother, as a friend, lover, and me just for me. My mind is always going 1000mph...dinner, dishes, Flynn, washing, Isla, money money money, what side did I feed her last, is Flynn happy enough...I give my self a ruddy headache sometimes. So 2013 is a year to clear my mind and keep moving forward. I suffered with PND for quite some time after I had Flynn and it was the most terrifying place to be, I hated the person I was and was scared to be me. I hid in a small hole from the people who loved me most and kept telling myself I didn't need to come out. Little things like answering the phone, even to people I knew, shook me up. Leaving the house was a struggle and getting up out of bed even worse. I was in a deep dark place, even with the help of antidepressants. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone!
So here's to looking up and onwards, to a happier healthier mind and to keep open arms to all the people I love. I'm not going to tell myself this is going to be easy, but I'm going to give it a god damn good go I tell ya!

"Everyone's a bit tired"

The next time I hear these words come out of my mother's or brothers mouths I will loose my marbles! Everyone else (who, I don't know who they mean) probably is tired, but I couldn't give 2 shits. Don't come crying to a breastfeeding mother of 2 with mastitis, dirty hair, dirty house, aching back blahblahblah. I've just sat here with a baby who just loves to be massively unsettled as soon as I say "I'm going to bed now" for an hour and a half, with the words "I'm tired" whirling round my head. The words are not mine but everyone else's. Please everyone else fuck off and refrain from telling me your 'tired' because I couldn't care less. Thank you and good night.

Time to give up..

This potty training shit is bringing me right down! 6 months is not a healthy time for a child still not to understand the concepts of pants and the potty. Flynn is 2 and a half and I think it's time I stop being selfish and just let Flynn be a baby a little bit longer. So what if he still wears a nappy, where's the king who's going to be-head us for breaking the 'rules'. I thought he would have it by now but obviously he has over ideas. Maybe in 3 months time I'll start again. But for my own sanity, probably Lee's aswell, our relationship, and for the sake of whats left of Flynn's toddlerhood it's goodbye you bloody potty and hello pull-ups. For now. I'll kick your ass one day.

Breastfeeding

This post has been sat here a few days waiting to be finished, waiting for the right words to actually come to mind. I'm so proud of Isla and I, 14 days of exclusive breastfeeding with only a minor glitch of mastitis in my right boob, I say minor it bloody hurts, really fucking hurts actually! but I have to feed of it still to drain it, not sure how well our latch is as my boob is SO full and sore I can't see how she's getting a good mouthful, the outer side of the nipple is actually cracked in a long line (the side where the top of her mouth would be) so I think that explains her latch. Luckily my lovely Dr saw me in my hour of need after the surgery had closed monday night to look at the damage and give me some antibiotics, which are making Isla quite unsettled and feed ALOT! She'll go 4 hrs, then 1 hrs, then 2, then 1! I'm not sure if we're doing the right thing, or if she's getting enough milk. When she does feed off the right side (mastitis side) it hurts on the first latch but then eases off, but I don't hear her having a good gulp like she does on the left side, has my milk supply gone down? We have to finish on the left after most feeds for her to settle, but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do! I'm racking my brains here! The left side is a dream to feed from, soo comfortable. A feeling I never had with Flynn, we fed for 10 days, and those 10 days included ALOT of pain, every feed brought me to tears I just had to stop. I did however express after so he still had my milk as I had so much of it I couldn't see it wasted! So I know how a good and bad latch should feel. I have that knowledge least! The rest I'm absolutely clueless about. I have no idea what we're doing really! I never made it past day 10 before so I don't know what should be happening. All I know is that the left side is good and the right side needs to be as good as the left, how I'll get there..no idea? The health visitor is coming tomorrow morning so hopefully Isla's weight has gone up nicely and she can give me some light at the end of the tunnel. I quite like my boobs and have never looked after them so much after Flynn chomped them half to death. So to 'fail' again at feeding would really devastate me. I have milk for my baby that will make her super woman and me super skinny (one can hope) so let's hope these pills fix the wrong and were back on track..on knees praying!