The last feed

13 months and 19 days. 13 months and 19 days of feeding Isla. 13 months and 19 of 'giving her the best start in life'. And all I'm left with is the guilt that I didn't carry on for as long as possible. Stupid huh?! This morning Isla had her last feed. Although I did not realise that it would be the last feed. Good I suppose, overwise I would have been a blubbering mess.

I've been pondering over the past week whether Isla Is getting the very best out of breastfeeding any more. Whether it's just a habit or if she is actually gaining any thing from it. Obviously she'd be getting some nutrients, but was it enough?

Before my Mum went into hospital just after new years, we had to cut feeds from as and when Isla 'needed' (she was one) a feed to once in the morning, once before I left the house to go to the hospital (twice a day) and when I got back, once after a meal and at bed time. So she was still feeding a fair bit. That soon went down to 3 feeds a day, then to just once in the morning and once at bed time. That's been the past couple of weeks. But the past week my nipples have been really sore. Like newborn sore but unlike a newborn she was only feeding twice a day so I thought they would heal pretty quick. I put them down to Isla sucking harder as she had missed it in the day and maybe my milk had gone down, feeds were shorter before she was coming off and looking at my boob a bit confused. I was wrong. They're still sore. So this evening she was tired at about half 6, half hr before bedtime and the thought of feeding her didn't really seem that appealing. I got her ready for bed and put some milk in a bottle (something she's never taken), sat in our usual chair in her dimmed bedroom and she drank the milk. Wasn't even bothered! I gave her a kiss and lay her in her sleeping bag, gave her her cuski and shut the door. She didn't even care that I hadn't fed her. And that was that. And then the tears came. I cried and cried. Like I hadn't cried for years. I couldn't stop. And I couldn't tell you where they came from. It's only breastfeeding after all. Something I thought I would never be able to do.

I'm sure the next few days will be hard. She already tries to get into my top during the day. But I'm hoping she just forgets (wishfull thinking). I said I would feed for a year but when 6/7/8 months came and it all became so easy I didn't mind how long we carried on for. She was still tiny after all. So I'm blessed we went for as long as we did. A whole lot longer than Flynn's journey. I will miss it. It was our quiet time and apart from sleeping it was when she was at her calmest.

Now where to buy some comfy ass bra's?!

Am I a breastfeeding outsider?

The answer in my eyes in a definite no. I am not the only one in the world that breast feeds & am not an outsider. But I know for sure that I'm not the only one who has felt to be the 'odd' one for breast feeding.

On the weekend I was at a friends baby shower, with a mixture of Mama's and non Mama's. One of the Mama's has a 10 week old, she had left at home with Dad. She said she never nursed out and about because she felt awkward and embarrassed. Another one of the Mama's who has two kiddies, never tried because she felt it weird. Another who has 3, 2 being twins, gave it a good go with the twins but couldn't carry on, but with her first fed for 10 months. One last Mama fed for 1 day but it hurt to much.

The non Mama's seemed quite against breast feeding, especially in public and just seemed a bit baffled and put off -- they seemed a bit weirded out to me.

The Mama of the shower wanted to try but wasn't going to push it if it didn't work out.

I wasn't really a part of this conversation, I just heard it going on in the background (nosy, me? No!) Now I am not a preacher of breastfeeding and it's bloody hard to get started. All Mama's are entitled to feed their Babes however they feel right for them. A happy Babe is a happy Mama after all. But I was just a bit taken back by the reaction from everyone, it just seemed that most of them thought breast feeding wasn't normal.

On this occasion I went to a different room to feed Isla as there was quite a lot going on and she's a nosy parker (like her mother maybe?!) so I just wanted her to get a good feed other wise I'd be feeding all day. Maybe they thought I was shy about feeding. Maybe Not?

On another occasion Lee has said about stopping, and when I went out one evening and Isla actually liked drinking formula from a bottle (drank it, didn't settle though), he said that I could stop now as she 'likes' a bottle. I'm not sure why he thought I would like to stop. Because she had teeth or something. I said no we're good the way we are. Clearly he's forgotten how expensive formula is and what a faff it can be! Our neighbour (also a fella) said something along the same lines. Again I've no idea why, I've never complained about breastfeeding.

I felt like I was being cornered for wanted to feed my baby. Not only do I feed her for the health benefits, but for the expense, the extra crap I'd have to carry around, and it's just so much easy to whack a boob out. No? 

Maybe I'm getting confused? A lot of people ask if I'm still feeding her. They always seemed so surprised when I say yes. "Oh wow really!?" with a puzzled look on their faces! Lee's Nan is brilliant "Oh really Sarah, are you all right doing that?" really? Why wouldn't I be?! 

Like I said I'm all for breast or formula (Flynn was formula fed from 4 months old). What ever is good for you as a Mama. I'm just flabbergasted over people's thinking of breast feeding. I've read about it but I've never seen it with my own two eyes.

 

Cuski love

I always pined over a Cuski for Flynn when he was a bubby, they looked so soft and soothing. But instead Flynn liked a dummy and my hand..mainly to keep the dummy in! So when Isla came and I was determained to breast feed Cuski was the first place I looked. 

For anyone who doesn't know what Cuski are, they're a comforter made from really soft natural cotton that absorb Mama's or Papa's smell so Baby never feels far from their favourite person. Have a look here for more about Cuski. 

We got Isla a Cuski when she was about 3 months old as I was worried she was using me as a dummy...not fun at 3am! She instantly loved it. We only ever used it at naps and bed time and never as a toy so it kept it's specialness. 

When I put her down at bed time, all zipped in her sleeping bag, thumb nearly in, she's instantly searching for it and doesn't close her eyes until she's draped it over her face sucking her thumb.

We love Cuski so much we even have a Swandoodle

I love it so much (I'm not going to lie, I even liked sleeping with it for the night before I handed it over to Isla) that I've bought it for any baby showers and new Baba gifts, and they've all loved it too. 

I'd much rather Isla carry round a super cute floppy bear to comfort her when our breastfeeding days are over. And as she doesn't really favour a dummy it's a win win situation!



*I didn't receive and dollar for this post. All the words are my own and Isla's opinion. 

Breast feeding 3 months on..

To say that I'm proud of Isla and I for feeding for 3 solid months would be a major under statement! I never dreamt we would make it this far, it was hard work to start with and it hurt so bad but I kept telling my self 'it will get better' and it has!

I've been reflecting alot over the past few weeks about how mine and Flynn's feeding experiance was and how different mine and Isla's has turn out.

Flynn was breastfed for 10 painful days, and then I exclusivly expressed my milk for him for about 4 months after that, It turned out too much for me, I felt like if i wasnt giving him a bottle I was expressing and it run me down. I admitted 'defeat' (in my eyes) gave him the last of the breast milk i had left over, switched to formula, and went to the Dr's for PND. I felt like a massive failiure that I didn't have the strength to feed my own baby what the health care professionals say is best!

Looking back now I was SO hard on myself! I did what I could as a first time mum who had no idea what she was doing! And Flynn hasn't been affected for not being breast fed for the first 6 months of his life! What affect could he possibly have!? None.

However..I dont doubt or have a problem with formula. You have to do what you have to do to have a heathy & happy mama and baby.

Breast feeding could not be easier this time round..reason being - I knew what not to do.
* Don't hold back on feelings, if it hurts or you feel a bit lost with it all, seek help. Health visitors & breast feeding consultants are there to help and they work wonders.
* Use Lansinoh. It's a miricle in a tube. After two tubes, my poor sore nips were back to normal health. Expensive at £10 but SO worth it!
* It does definatley 100% get easier. You don't hear this enough! People say it but dont stress it enough. I read a few times that after 12 weeks you'll be a breast feeding pro. I thought what utter bull shit, IT HURTS! But it really does happen.

If things turned out like they did with Flynn I would have switched to formula sooner and not been so hard on myself and just been proud of however long we lasted. I only choose breast over bottle because it's so much easier. No washing, no sterilising, no faffing at 3am.
Such a lovely feeling to put a wide awake baby down and come back to see this..

*This was not a sponsored post just my own thoughts.

Breastfeeding

This post has been sat here a few days waiting to be finished, waiting for the right words to actually come to mind. I'm so proud of Isla and I, 14 days of exclusive breastfeeding with only a minor glitch of mastitis in my right boob, I say minor it bloody hurts, really fucking hurts actually! but I have to feed of it still to drain it, not sure how well our latch is as my boob is SO full and sore I can't see how she's getting a good mouthful, the outer side of the nipple is actually cracked in a long line (the side where the top of her mouth would be) so I think that explains her latch. Luckily my lovely Dr saw me in my hour of need after the surgery had closed monday night to look at the damage and give me some antibiotics, which are making Isla quite unsettled and feed ALOT! She'll go 4 hrs, then 1 hrs, then 2, then 1! I'm not sure if we're doing the right thing, or if she's getting enough milk. When she does feed off the right side (mastitis side) it hurts on the first latch but then eases off, but I don't hear her having a good gulp like she does on the left side, has my milk supply gone down? We have to finish on the left after most feeds for her to settle, but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do! I'm racking my brains here! The left side is a dream to feed from, soo comfortable. A feeling I never had with Flynn, we fed for 10 days, and those 10 days included ALOT of pain, every feed brought me to tears I just had to stop. I did however express after so he still had my milk as I had so much of it I couldn't see it wasted! So I know how a good and bad latch should feel. I have that knowledge least! The rest I'm absolutely clueless about. I have no idea what we're doing really! I never made it past day 10 before so I don't know what should be happening. All I know is that the left side is good and the right side needs to be as good as the left, how I'll get there..no idea? The health visitor is coming tomorrow morning so hopefully Isla's weight has gone up nicely and she can give me some light at the end of the tunnel. I quite like my boobs and have never looked after them so much after Flynn chomped them half to death. So to 'fail' again at feeding would really devastate me. I have milk for my baby that will make her super woman and me super skinny (one can hope) so let's hope these pills fix the wrong and were back on track..on knees praying!