The last feed

13 months and 19 days. 13 months and 19 days of feeding Isla. 13 months and 19 of 'giving her the best start in life'. And all I'm left with is the guilt that I didn't carry on for as long as possible. Stupid huh?! This morning Isla had her last feed. Although I did not realise that it would be the last feed. Good I suppose, overwise I would have been a blubbering mess.

I've been pondering over the past week whether Isla Is getting the very best out of breastfeeding any more. Whether it's just a habit or if she is actually gaining any thing from it. Obviously she'd be getting some nutrients, but was it enough?

Before my Mum went into hospital just after new years, we had to cut feeds from as and when Isla 'needed' (she was one) a feed to once in the morning, once before I left the house to go to the hospital (twice a day) and when I got back, once after a meal and at bed time. So she was still feeding a fair bit. That soon went down to 3 feeds a day, then to just once in the morning and once at bed time. That's been the past couple of weeks. But the past week my nipples have been really sore. Like newborn sore but unlike a newborn she was only feeding twice a day so I thought they would heal pretty quick. I put them down to Isla sucking harder as she had missed it in the day and maybe my milk had gone down, feeds were shorter before she was coming off and looking at my boob a bit confused. I was wrong. They're still sore. So this evening she was tired at about half 6, half hr before bedtime and the thought of feeding her didn't really seem that appealing. I got her ready for bed and put some milk in a bottle (something she's never taken), sat in our usual chair in her dimmed bedroom and she drank the milk. Wasn't even bothered! I gave her a kiss and lay her in her sleeping bag, gave her her cuski and shut the door. She didn't even care that I hadn't fed her. And that was that. And then the tears came. I cried and cried. Like I hadn't cried for years. I couldn't stop. And I couldn't tell you where they came from. It's only breastfeeding after all. Something I thought I would never be able to do.

I'm sure the next few days will be hard. She already tries to get into my top during the day. But I'm hoping she just forgets (wishfull thinking). I said I would feed for a year but when 6/7/8 months came and it all became so easy I didn't mind how long we carried on for. She was still tiny after all. So I'm blessed we went for as long as we did. A whole lot longer than Flynn's journey. I will miss it. It was our quiet time and apart from sleeping it was when she was at her calmest.

Now where to buy some comfy ass bra's?!

Those precious moments

My kids drive me crazy. So frickin crazy I loose sight of them ever being well behaved. EVER. So when they turn into loving, smushy, cwtchy babies, my heart melts. 

Especially Isla, from day dot she has very rarely fallen asleep on any one, she likes to suck her thumb, with her Cuski and fall in the land of zzz's in her cot. But on the weekend I was mildly (ahem)hung over. The best place for me was in bed. Lee very lovingly let me snooze whilst he played with the babies, but Isla can't live a single moment with out me and my boobs so in comes Isla. One feed later and she's all snuggled into me sucking her thumb and staring into my eyes. I kid you not I was almost blubbing like a baby. I just watched her fall asleep, just like that. I so wanted to sleep myself but I just found myself watching her teeny tiny little face and just treasured one of the most precious moments we've ever had.

My heart was on the floor. 

Like I said, they drive me so incredibly nuts at times. But I love em, and their mine.

Cuski love

I always pined over a Cuski for Flynn when he was a bubby, they looked so soft and soothing. But instead Flynn liked a dummy and my hand..mainly to keep the dummy in! So when Isla came and I was determained to breast feed Cuski was the first place I looked. 

For anyone who doesn't know what Cuski are, they're a comforter made from really soft natural cotton that absorb Mama's or Papa's smell so Baby never feels far from their favourite person. Have a look here for more about Cuski. 

We got Isla a Cuski when she was about 3 months old as I was worried she was using me as a dummy...not fun at 3am! She instantly loved it. We only ever used it at naps and bed time and never as a toy so it kept it's specialness. 

When I put her down at bed time, all zipped in her sleeping bag, thumb nearly in, she's instantly searching for it and doesn't close her eyes until she's draped it over her face sucking her thumb.

We love Cuski so much we even have a Swandoodle

I love it so much (I'm not going to lie, I even liked sleeping with it for the night before I handed it over to Isla) that I've bought it for any baby showers and new Baba gifts, and they've all loved it too. 

I'd much rather Isla carry round a super cute floppy bear to comfort her when our breastfeeding days are over. And as she doesn't really favour a dummy it's a win win situation!



*I didn't receive and dollar for this post. All the words are my own and Isla's opinion. 

Breast feeding 3 months on..

To say that I'm proud of Isla and I for feeding for 3 solid months would be a major under statement! I never dreamt we would make it this far, it was hard work to start with and it hurt so bad but I kept telling my self 'it will get better' and it has!

I've been reflecting alot over the past few weeks about how mine and Flynn's feeding experiance was and how different mine and Isla's has turn out.

Flynn was breastfed for 10 painful days, and then I exclusivly expressed my milk for him for about 4 months after that, It turned out too much for me, I felt like if i wasnt giving him a bottle I was expressing and it run me down. I admitted 'defeat' (in my eyes) gave him the last of the breast milk i had left over, switched to formula, and went to the Dr's for PND. I felt like a massive failiure that I didn't have the strength to feed my own baby what the health care professionals say is best!

Looking back now I was SO hard on myself! I did what I could as a first time mum who had no idea what she was doing! And Flynn hasn't been affected for not being breast fed for the first 6 months of his life! What affect could he possibly have!? None.

However..I dont doubt or have a problem with formula. You have to do what you have to do to have a heathy & happy mama and baby.

Breast feeding could not be easier this time round..reason being - I knew what not to do.
* Don't hold back on feelings, if it hurts or you feel a bit lost with it all, seek help. Health visitors & breast feeding consultants are there to help and they work wonders.
* Use Lansinoh. It's a miricle in a tube. After two tubes, my poor sore nips were back to normal health. Expensive at £10 but SO worth it!
* It does definatley 100% get easier. You don't hear this enough! People say it but dont stress it enough. I read a few times that after 12 weeks you'll be a breast feeding pro. I thought what utter bull shit, IT HURTS! But it really does happen.

If things turned out like they did with Flynn I would have switched to formula sooner and not been so hard on myself and just been proud of however long we lasted. I only choose breast over bottle because it's so much easier. No washing, no sterilising, no faffing at 3am.
Such a lovely feeling to put a wide awake baby down and come back to see this..

*This was not a sponsored post just my own thoughts.

Growth spurt and what not.

All I keep reading about when I type in the google machine "why is my baby feeding more?" Is "its probably a growth spurt, they happen at 2, 3, 6 weeks old blah blah". Well how long do these growth spurts go on for hey. One feed? One week? Obviously not. Why dont they just say "your baby will have a growth spurt from the minute they are born up until 12 weeks" were pretty much covered then. Again with routine. Just say "dont bother with getting your hopes up that your baby will sleep for 4 hours at a time because they're going to have a growth spurt and all will be thrown". No confusion there. No lies. No getting my hopes up thay sleep is on the horizon.

"Sleep when baby sleeps" BALLSHIT. How do you expect me to do this! Im sure all parenting websites are talking at first time mothers. Sleep when baby sleeps. Pah. My house would be utter mayhem. Flynn would run riot. But I suppose I would have caught up on sleep to deal with the dilemma.

Thank god I haven't clung onto every bit of advise ive read/heard otherwise I'd be pulling my hair out. Instead ive decided to go with my instincts and feed baby when she wants to be fed. Clean when I get the chance. Play with flynn as much as possible. And laze in my pyjamas most of the day. Lazy yes. Helpful extremely. Why waste what little brain power I have at the moment on the small things. Babies come first. Happy quite babies. Happy calm mama!

1 month

Time flies when you're being milked like a cow! My teeny weeny newborn is growing right before my very eyes and I feel like im missing it all. I've never seen a baby grow so quick. I can feel her gaining weight with every gulp of milk she takes. And thats all down to me. If I wasnt so freaking knackered (understatement) I'd be glowing all over. The glow is there its just hidden by bags and pyjamas and a messy house. I cant believe how much im in love, not just with Isla but with my Flynn aswell. Ive fallen in love with him all over again. Hes still the devil child at times but he's so in love with Isla it melts my heart. I can see how much he's grown up aswell, it makes me feel proud. I must be doing something right. I keep saying I have now idea what I'm doing with these kidlets but when I step back and have a proper look I can see they're both thriving. I may never catch up on sleep and look like a backward zombie forever more but I have two very gorgeous little bubbys to show for it. We survived a whole month in one piece. Just about.

Dummy dummy!

I have no idea what im doing with these kids! Who ever said second time round its easier is a pure lier! Isla is a dream and flynn still seems to really love her! My problem is the breastfeeding. We have no routine at all. Im guessing im feeding her properly as it doesnt hurt anymore and by the feel of her shes putting on loads of weight. Other wise ive no idea if she is feeding well at all. I dont know if shes full or satisfied. She seems to feed ALOT! Mainly in the morning and around dinner time which is a bitch because I need to do things at both those times to feel human! I feel like I just feed her to send her off to sleep most feeds. So instead of being a dummy I consulted in the trusty mums of babycentre.  "No no dont use a dummy it will decrease your milk supply" were the  replies I got. Oh great. How ever hard I tried to listen I just couldnt. But I feel super bad for it. Am I just being selfish and stuffing rubber in her mouth when really shes hungry? But if shes hungry she wouldnt fall asleep would she? Oo the questions! Flynn had a dummy. This was because he was using the bottle as a dummy, giving himself wind, spuuing up what he had just eaten, thus needing more milk to fill the hole, back to square one, vicious circle.  Im thinking Isla is the same. A sucker. But my poor nips cant take the job of a dummy if this is the case. But I dont want to loose milk just because I dont have a clue what im doing! I nope this resolves itself as I really dont know what im doing.