The last feed

13 months and 19 days. 13 months and 19 days of feeding Isla. 13 months and 19 of 'giving her the best start in life'. And all I'm left with is the guilt that I didn't carry on for as long as possible. Stupid huh?! This morning Isla had her last feed. Although I did not realise that it would be the last feed. Good I suppose, overwise I would have been a blubbering mess.

I've been pondering over the past week whether Isla Is getting the very best out of breastfeeding any more. Whether it's just a habit or if she is actually gaining any thing from it. Obviously she'd be getting some nutrients, but was it enough?

Before my Mum went into hospital just after new years, we had to cut feeds from as and when Isla 'needed' (she was one) a feed to once in the morning, once before I left the house to go to the hospital (twice a day) and when I got back, once after a meal and at bed time. So she was still feeding a fair bit. That soon went down to 3 feeds a day, then to just once in the morning and once at bed time. That's been the past couple of weeks. But the past week my nipples have been really sore. Like newborn sore but unlike a newborn she was only feeding twice a day so I thought they would heal pretty quick. I put them down to Isla sucking harder as she had missed it in the day and maybe my milk had gone down, feeds were shorter before she was coming off and looking at my boob a bit confused. I was wrong. They're still sore. So this evening she was tired at about half 6, half hr before bedtime and the thought of feeding her didn't really seem that appealing. I got her ready for bed and put some milk in a bottle (something she's never taken), sat in our usual chair in her dimmed bedroom and she drank the milk. Wasn't even bothered! I gave her a kiss and lay her in her sleeping bag, gave her her cuski and shut the door. She didn't even care that I hadn't fed her. And that was that. And then the tears came. I cried and cried. Like I hadn't cried for years. I couldn't stop. And I couldn't tell you where they came from. It's only breastfeeding after all. Something I thought I would never be able to do.

I'm sure the next few days will be hard. She already tries to get into my top during the day. But I'm hoping she just forgets (wishfull thinking). I said I would feed for a year but when 6/7/8 months came and it all became so easy I didn't mind how long we carried on for. She was still tiny after all. So I'm blessed we went for as long as we did. A whole lot longer than Flynn's journey. I will miss it. It was our quiet time and apart from sleeping it was when she was at her calmest.

Now where to buy some comfy ass bra's?!

Isla Baby at ONE!

Oh Isla, Isla, Isla. One once seemed so so far away. And I dreaded the day. It made me anxious. I wanted you to be a baby forever. Well the big 'One' finally came. And I tell ya, it ain't all that bad. Of course you're still my baby but you're a whole lot more fun!

We had a small affair for your birthday, you're a very lucky girl and share it with you Great Nanny (my Nan), so we shared the morning with her, and Nanny Wendy (my Mum). In the afternoon you got to see your Nanny Debbie, Pappy, Great Nanny Pat and Great Granddad Des! Luckily you were on top form all day and were in the party spirit!

Give me that cake!

Since then you've learnt to walk! A bit like a little drunk robot! But 3 weeks later and you're perfecting it. You like to climb on the coffee table & Flynn's bed, rather annoying might I add. Your favourite toys are Flynn's case for his DS, you carry it like a little handbag. Little animals, you like to tip them out of the tin and look at the one by one and stick them all in your mouth. Flynn's puzzles and playing cards, yes another annoying one, when will you learn to tidy them up after?! And your baby doll, poor thing gets bitten all over!

You're still a happy little bean and a pleasure to watch. You adore Flynn and he you. Although you still like to bite him for reasons unknown to anyone, but we're working on that. You make your self laugh, you like to clap, wave and dance. You're also a little vicious though, we all often get the odd slap, grab or poke. Your favourite foods are spag bol, chilli, noodles, broccoli and watsits! You're not keen on cows milk and I think our breastfeeding journey isn't quite over. You had you're first (and last, I hope!) visit to A&E when you had a reaction to egg, which you were thoroughly enjoying! And you've got 6 little teeth and I'm sure the 7th is trying to rear it's ugly head. 

Yes, you like to eat!

I wanted your first year to last forever but life after one must go on! You're a little love that's for sure but please learn to love sleep! So one turns out to be quite fun...what will the next few months bring?!

When they love each other

Throughout my entire pregnancy people would always ask "how do you think Flynn will react to a new baby" my response was always the same "I think he'll be ok, he'll probably just want all my attention when im feeding/changing/settling". But really in my mind I had NO idea. I was completely clueless. I was only saying what I thought sounded right. He was only 2 and a half at the time and although he wasn't really naughty, he was a very determined littel lad.

Every time someone else asked me this stupid question, that I found impossible to answer it sent me into a state of panic. It made me doubt our decision to have another so close in age, was I able to look after two kids, what if Flynn resents me, will the new baby get neglected, how will Flynn react, what if he hates her, what if he hurts her. Round and round, until the day Isla was born.

The day I went into labour, all I could think about was poor Flynn being shoved from pillar to post. He was with his Nana's, so no one out of the ordinary. In fact he loved staying with them. But I couldn't help but think "is this it now? Poor Flynn being shoved out!". I had made the decision to stay in hospital 2 nights, just to adjust to having a baby again before having to go home to normal life. Until, Flynn came to meet his new sister for the first time. I wasn't expecting him so it took me by surprise. A good test on my hormonal emotions! He seemed so relaxed. Wasn't fazed, he loved her! Even the days and weeks after he never seemed jealous or upset by having a new baby. My only worry was he loved her TOO much! Cuddled too tight. Kissed too hard. Wanted to be near he all the time!

11 months on and they surprise me more and more every day. They really love each other. Isla follows Flynn every where. He calls her to come and play, she goes running. They just look at each other and make each other laugh. Sharing is a tiny issue but iy doesn't take long for Flynn to come round. *as I type they are fighting over Wreck it Ralph*. They play together, in different ways, but the diea is there. The concern in Isla's eye's when Flynn is upset, and vice versa, warms me to the bone. Flynn always asks if Isla can have something before he gives it to her or tells me when she's about to eat little bits she likes to find. He always puts on a iddy pitty voice when talking to her aswell.

Its love. The kind of love I thought I would never see. It always makes it a lot easier when they are being impossible. Which is most of the time!

Am I a breastfeeding outsider?

The answer in my eyes in a definite no. I am not the only one in the world that breast feeds & am not an outsider. But I know for sure that I'm not the only one who has felt to be the 'odd' one for breast feeding.

On the weekend I was at a friends baby shower, with a mixture of Mama's and non Mama's. One of the Mama's has a 10 week old, she had left at home with Dad. She said she never nursed out and about because she felt awkward and embarrassed. Another one of the Mama's who has two kiddies, never tried because she felt it weird. Another who has 3, 2 being twins, gave it a good go with the twins but couldn't carry on, but with her first fed for 10 months. One last Mama fed for 1 day but it hurt to much.

The non Mama's seemed quite against breast feeding, especially in public and just seemed a bit baffled and put off -- they seemed a bit weirded out to me.

The Mama of the shower wanted to try but wasn't going to push it if it didn't work out.

I wasn't really a part of this conversation, I just heard it going on in the background (nosy, me? No!) Now I am not a preacher of breastfeeding and it's bloody hard to get started. All Mama's are entitled to feed their Babes however they feel right for them. A happy Babe is a happy Mama after all. But I was just a bit taken back by the reaction from everyone, it just seemed that most of them thought breast feeding wasn't normal.

On this occasion I went to a different room to feed Isla as there was quite a lot going on and she's a nosy parker (like her mother maybe?!) so I just wanted her to get a good feed other wise I'd be feeding all day. Maybe they thought I was shy about feeding. Maybe Not?

On another occasion Lee has said about stopping, and when I went out one evening and Isla actually liked drinking formula from a bottle (drank it, didn't settle though), he said that I could stop now as she 'likes' a bottle. I'm not sure why he thought I would like to stop. Because she had teeth or something. I said no we're good the way we are. Clearly he's forgotten how expensive formula is and what a faff it can be! Our neighbour (also a fella) said something along the same lines. Again I've no idea why, I've never complained about breastfeeding.

I felt like I was being cornered for wanted to feed my baby. Not only do I feed her for the health benefits, but for the expense, the extra crap I'd have to carry around, and it's just so much easy to whack a boob out. No? 

Maybe I'm getting confused? A lot of people ask if I'm still feeding her. They always seemed so surprised when I say yes. "Oh wow really!?" with a puzzled look on their faces! Lee's Nan is brilliant "Oh really Sarah, are you all right doing that?" really? Why wouldn't I be?! 

Like I said I'm all for breast or formula (Flynn was formula fed from 4 months old). What ever is good for you as a Mama. I'm just flabbergasted over people's thinking of breast feeding. I've read about it but I've never seen it with my own two eyes.

 

Isla Lei at 10 Months

I truly cannot believe how fast this year has gone. And having a baby born right at the end of the year really makes you see how fast time is flying. 10 months -- TEN! 

Isla really is a joy to be around and at 10 months her little personally really is shining though. She is the happiest baby and smiles at anyone and everyone. I will have to rein this in as she gets older -- STRANGER DANGER! Her crawling is adorable as she's just started to get it right and starts to explore the house -- mainly eating whatever lint is lying around! Before now, if Flynn ever hurt her or took something away she wouldn't kick up any fuss, I'd find myself saying "Flynn please don't do that, Isla is sad now" as she sits there not batting an eye lid! But now she makes herself heard. Oh god has Flynn got it coming! She's stored all the horrible things he's done to her and she's getting him back -- biting is her thing at the moment. If Flynn has bare legs, she goes storming over grabbing at him head first. It's quite hard telling a 10 month old off (for the sake of a 3 yr old) and her laughing in your face! 

Sleep is not on Isla's agenda right now. She used to settle herself so nicely, but teeth seem to be getting in the way of this. Or am I? (More on this later). Their are 2 toothies at the bottom of her little chops and 2 diddy one's just come though at the top. Her hair shines a little red in the sunshine and she refuses to wear a hat. I can't find any shoes to fit her titchy feet and her socks fall off ALL the time. We're still in 6-9 clothes and some 3-6! Standing is a new favourite but she can't quite find how to sit back down. We have to be in the right environment to feed as she's a nosy parker and my milk still sprays all over the joint!

Watching Isla grow is lovely, and watching her with Flynn is even better. They make each other laugh at the tiniest things. All they have to do is smile at each other. I feel so lucky to have my 2. They melt my heart as much as they make me pull my hair out. But such is life. I love watching her but it also makes me sad that she will no longer be a baby soon. What kind of toddler will she be?! Dare I ask!

Slightly milk drunk 

Those precious moments

My kids drive me crazy. So frickin crazy I loose sight of them ever being well behaved. EVER. So when they turn into loving, smushy, cwtchy babies, my heart melts. 

Especially Isla, from day dot she has very rarely fallen asleep on any one, she likes to suck her thumb, with her Cuski and fall in the land of zzz's in her cot. But on the weekend I was mildly (ahem)hung over. The best place for me was in bed. Lee very lovingly let me snooze whilst he played with the babies, but Isla can't live a single moment with out me and my boobs so in comes Isla. One feed later and she's all snuggled into me sucking her thumb and staring into my eyes. I kid you not I was almost blubbing like a baby. I just watched her fall asleep, just like that. I so wanted to sleep myself but I just found myself watching her teeny tiny little face and just treasured one of the most precious moments we've ever had.

My heart was on the floor. 

Like I said, they drive me so incredibly nuts at times. But I love em, and their mine.

Cuski love

I always pined over a Cuski for Flynn when he was a bubby, they looked so soft and soothing. But instead Flynn liked a dummy and my hand..mainly to keep the dummy in! So when Isla came and I was determained to breast feed Cuski was the first place I looked. 

For anyone who doesn't know what Cuski are, they're a comforter made from really soft natural cotton that absorb Mama's or Papa's smell so Baby never feels far from their favourite person. Have a look here for more about Cuski. 

We got Isla a Cuski when she was about 3 months old as I was worried she was using me as a dummy...not fun at 3am! She instantly loved it. We only ever used it at naps and bed time and never as a toy so it kept it's specialness. 

When I put her down at bed time, all zipped in her sleeping bag, thumb nearly in, she's instantly searching for it and doesn't close her eyes until she's draped it over her face sucking her thumb.

We love Cuski so much we even have a Swandoodle

I love it so much (I'm not going to lie, I even liked sleeping with it for the night before I handed it over to Isla) that I've bought it for any baby showers and new Baba gifts, and they've all loved it too. 

I'd much rather Isla carry round a super cute floppy bear to comfort her when our breastfeeding days are over. And as she doesn't really favour a dummy it's a win win situation!



*I didn't receive and dollar for this post. All the words are my own and Isla's opinion. 

Isla at 6 months

My iddy biddy girl is 6 months old today. I'm freaking out at how fast shes growing. Everyday shes learning different things and wants to be doing new things all the time. When Flynn was born I just couldn't wait for him to do the next thing. To role, to have his first solids, to sit..literally all his 'firsts' I just couldn't wait for. With Isla my attitude is completely opposite. I just need her to be a baby for longer. Isla had solids later, she's still in her bassinet and still rocks her baby grows. I've also breast feed isla for 6 whole months. Something I thought I would never be able to do (me and flynn lasted 10 days before going on to expressing) and I'm so proud of us for sticking at it!

She loves to play on her play gym and roll over and then scream after 4 minutes. Kisses and cuddles from Flynn mesmerize her. She has the tickleist (we all know that's a word) chin and arm pits. The diddiest feet. And smiles at anyone and everyone but saves the biggest smiles for her daddio!

Here's to the next 6 month's!  I can't wait to see what Isla does next but I'm not gunna lie she can stay a baby for longer!

Got beef!

No not the tasty kind to feed my lovely family. No no of those lovely beefy dinners this week. No this week and last week and the week before that I've got beef with the chicken pox or I'm starting to think they've got beef with me. I had them when I was 11/12, in the summer, and remember it rather well. The evil never ending itch. The pasty look of the calamine. The scare of the scarring of my face (none thank god). Flynn wasn't too bad when he had them. Only one day he was really poorly and sad. But he could let me know where it hurts.

Now Isla has them it's a whole new kettle of fish! And all those people who keep saying "It's better if she gets them now blah blah blah shit" BULLSHIT! She's helpless. She cries ALOT. Feeds 20 times a day. Up 3/4 times at night. Let's see how they feel about this when they have to look after a poorly baby who can't let you know what's going on other then in cries. Just to make things better, she's COVERED! All over her back, tummy, legs, bum, face and scalp. Even more then Flynn. Yes, it's possible!! And as they're starting to dry up a little I can see where they're going to scar. Her face. Her beautiful little round face!

 

Before shit got real.

Like I said these pox have the beef with me for some reason!

To put the cherry on the top, Flynn is back on full form, being a class A monster. How many times do I have to say "don't shout, Isla feels poorly" "don't spit that's dirty" "next time you hit me with that you'll be in the naughty corner" "leave baby Isla alone, she's sleeping". The list goes on and on and on and on and on.....

 

Breaks my heart

Isla 3 smiles

So I've had 3 smiles. First one was a complete surprise, a weekend when Lee was away, Flynn at his Nans, me with a towel on my head cooing over Isla as she had just woke up from a marathon 5hr nap and there it was. I didn't quite believe it at first as most of her smiles are wind but then it stayed longer and she was staring straight at me. I don't think people believed me though.
The second was on Saturday after a day out shopping. Lee carried Isla in the Bjorn the whole time and when we got home I was getting her out of the car seat and I said 'Did you miss Mummy' in my highest pitched voice going. Lee saw this one so it had to be real.
Third was tonight. She was having a melt down. Nothing was soothing her. So I took her into a quiet room. Asked her what was wrong. And a big beam came.

So rewarding after all these weeks of being used as a cow/dummy/comforter. After sitting surrounded by mess every where. After feeling more then a little unappreciated by all. Looking a mess and feeling like a zombie. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip and look like I'm a natural. All it took was a few smiles and I feel right as rain.

Until all the crying and mess starts to get to me again. And then another smile and all will be right in the world. Swings and roundabouts.

Until my next smile, this is all we get.