When they love each other

Throughout my entire pregnancy people would always ask "how do you think Flynn will react to a new baby" my response was always the same "I think he'll be ok, he'll probably just want all my attention when im feeding/changing/settling". But really in my mind I had NO idea. I was completely clueless. I was only saying what I thought sounded right. He was only 2 and a half at the time and although he wasn't really naughty, he was a very determined littel lad.

Every time someone else asked me this stupid question, that I found impossible to answer it sent me into a state of panic. It made me doubt our decision to have another so close in age, was I able to look after two kids, what if Flynn resents me, will the new baby get neglected, how will Flynn react, what if he hates her, what if he hurts her. Round and round, until the day Isla was born.

The day I went into labour, all I could think about was poor Flynn being shoved from pillar to post. He was with his Nana's, so no one out of the ordinary. In fact he loved staying with them. But I couldn't help but think "is this it now? Poor Flynn being shoved out!". I had made the decision to stay in hospital 2 nights, just to adjust to having a baby again before having to go home to normal life. Until, Flynn came to meet his new sister for the first time. I wasn't expecting him so it took me by surprise. A good test on my hormonal emotions! He seemed so relaxed. Wasn't fazed, he loved her! Even the days and weeks after he never seemed jealous or upset by having a new baby. My only worry was he loved her TOO much! Cuddled too tight. Kissed too hard. Wanted to be near he all the time!

11 months on and they surprise me more and more every day. They really love each other. Isla follows Flynn every where. He calls her to come and play, she goes running. They just look at each other and make each other laugh. Sharing is a tiny issue but iy doesn't take long for Flynn to come round. *as I type they are fighting over Wreck it Ralph*. They play together, in different ways, but the diea is there. The concern in Isla's eye's when Flynn is upset, and vice versa, warms me to the bone. Flynn always asks if Isla can have something before he gives it to her or tells me when she's about to eat little bits she likes to find. He always puts on a iddy pitty voice when talking to her aswell.

Its love. The kind of love I thought I would never see. It always makes it a lot easier when they are being impossible. Which is most of the time!

Cuski love

I always pined over a Cuski for Flynn when he was a bubby, they looked so soft and soothing. But instead Flynn liked a dummy and my hand..mainly to keep the dummy in! So when Isla came and I was determained to breast feed Cuski was the first place I looked. 

For anyone who doesn't know what Cuski are, they're a comforter made from really soft natural cotton that absorb Mama's or Papa's smell so Baby never feels far from their favourite person. Have a look here for more about Cuski. 

We got Isla a Cuski when she was about 3 months old as I was worried she was using me as a dummy...not fun at 3am! She instantly loved it. We only ever used it at naps and bed time and never as a toy so it kept it's specialness. 

When I put her down at bed time, all zipped in her sleeping bag, thumb nearly in, she's instantly searching for it and doesn't close her eyes until she's draped it over her face sucking her thumb.

We love Cuski so much we even have a Swandoodle

I love it so much (I'm not going to lie, I even liked sleeping with it for the night before I handed it over to Isla) that I've bought it for any baby showers and new Baba gifts, and they've all loved it too. 

I'd much rather Isla carry round a super cute floppy bear to comfort her when our breastfeeding days are over. And as she doesn't really favour a dummy it's a win win situation!



*I didn't receive and dollar for this post. All the words are my own and Isla's opinion. 

Super guilt over here

Motherhood should come with some sort of disclaimer that you sign when you're about to take your precious bundle home from hospital. Number one will be - you will feel guilty about your decisions 90% of the time.

With out a doubt this is how I feel anyway. I feel guilty when I shout a little too loud, when I'm force feeding flynn is breakfast/lunch/dinner which he never wants to eat EVER. I feel guilty for giving him chocolate, for not giving him chocolate, for sending him to bed early or late. The list is endless.

This particular week I feel guilty for needing space. You know that thing you left behind at the hospital along with that invisible disclaimer. Yeah that long lost space that you will never gain back (no.2 on the disclaimer).

I feel like all I've done in the past couple of weeks is loose my rag. Over silly things and important things. But probably mostly silly, stupid, kick myself for things.

So my glorious Mother is going to take flynn on an wee trip to stay with my brother in Cardiff today. Guess what. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting the space we both need, I feel guilty for constantly telling off and now feel selfish for booting him out with Nanny for 3 days. And I'm going to miss him like loosing my right arm. But oh dear lord I need to breath.

So this morning was one of them fuck off mornings when all you want to do is get out the house and do the school run but one's playing stupid, the others done a poo EVERYWHERE, now the other is taking their clothes off. FML. So when we got to nursery (late) I realised I'm not going to see him now until Thursday night. Gah I held the tears back. I never even got to say bye properly as he's so desperate to get in there. Not that he probably cares. Now im babbling because I feel like a terrible mother.

I just pray to god he comes home a less distructive toddler and starts to listen the first time I say something not the 8th. And that I'm a more chilled, less shouty horrible mama. Calm!

Dear Flynn...(may contain very soppy stuff)

My gorgeous boy you've turned 3 today. I never really thought past you're 2nd birthday to be honest, the first two years were hard and full of learning but we survived. We also had a lot of fun. I struggled but I always tried to make sure you were happy. Then the 3rd year and you're a whole new person. Bright, funny and full of character. A lot of parents say this about their children but this is you down to a T. You make me laugh, cry, angry and damn right nuts. But at the end of the day when you snuggle in and ask me to carry you to bed like a baby all is forgotten and you just melt my heart.

You love football, spider man, the garden, running around like a loon, singing along to the songs of Disney junior and kissing baby Isla like it's the first time you've ever seen her. Some days you drive me so potty I feel like a terrible mother. But then someone will comment on how polite you are with your "pardons" and "please's and thank you's". You make me see that all our hard work pays off. And I really love you more then I can put to words.

I'm so proud to have shared the past 3 years with you Flynn. You brighten my life and I couldn't ask for any more from you. Apart from stop growing so fast, I can't take the emotion.

Keep being amazing my punk. I love you.