Flynn turns 4

In 2 weeks my little curly one will turn 4. I say it a lot. People say it a lot. But I really mean in when I say where has this year gone. It literally feels like just last month it was his 3rd birthday party. 

He's grown so much in this past year. From a toddler just learning to boy with lots of opinions and witty-ness. He is very clearly a proper boy into proper boy things. Football, Spider Man, The Hulk, fighting, building, and computer games. As soon as he see's our guy friends coming he's straight in there with a fist pump and a play fight. As soon as Daddy comes home it's a "can I play you file on Zelda". He's for ever putting Isla in jail and showing her how to play with his Batcave. He's all about the rough and tumble.

Teeny tiny

Take a step back from this and he's quite a sensitive creature. He needs kisses and cuddles (on his terms) and has to know what we're doing that day and where we're going and who we're going to see. He likes to tell you how he's done something. And when he says look, he really means look. He watches Peter Rabbit before a bed time story and likes to be carried to bed 'like a baby', by Daddy always. When he cries it's a real heart felt, tearful cry and you can't help but run to the rescue. 

Sibling, no?

3 has definitely been a testing year. Terrible two's, shitty three's. I can only wonder what 4 will bring. As the year has gone on he's shown a real personality and a massive leap in behaviour. He can get his point across now which has been a huge help. Nursery has been a god send and he loves it. September brings school. I'm definitely more nervous then Flynn! But he's ready. He's ready to learn instead of play. He's ready to make new friends and start new adventures.

We have horrible bad days when I shout too much and he doesn't listen much but more often then not our days are good and I love watching him want to try things by himself (even if it does include a million and 1 questions). I love watching him with Isla, showing her all the things he knows and she tries so hard to copy. I cannot wait for 4, and I'm more then sure Flynn can't wait either.

Two's enough

People ask me a lot "when are you having another one?" or "what are you going to do when Flynn starts school, have another?". I don't know if they truly are asking me a genuine question or if they're just making small talk. My answer is always the same. Two is enough. In my head I'm screaming FOR NOW. When I say "No way, two's enough" my heart isn't really in it. I'm not committed.

Two really is enough, at the moment. I love being pregnant and those first 12 weeks when you and your Baby Daddy are the only ones in the world who know about this precious life, that over whelming rush of love when you first see that little face, all those new born cuddles and watching them sleep like nothing else matters in the world. And then, that milestone, the one I was practically forcing Flynn to do and holding Isla back with all my strength. Crawling. Once they learn to crawl it's all crazy from here on. Your ears, eyes and everything else are in all directions. 

These precious babies get a whole new lease of life. Freedom. And then they get cocky and start trying to stand up and grab all kinds of shit. You can't even go for a wee with out them following you or rushing to the next danger spot whilst Mama aint looking! And then they get a little bored of the freedom and mellow a little bit. Then the walking. EVERYTHING is a danger zone. Corners to bang heads on start appearing where you had no idea they existed before. And don't get me started on the not being able to talk. We'll by pass the terrible two's all together.

And then they get fun again. And then my ovaries are pining away to do their job and my heart jumps at the sight of a new born. And then I stupidly start to think logically. 2 really is perfect right now. We only have two bedrooms. We cannot afford to buy a new car. And Isla is only 16 months old. We said we'd have 4 kids, but that was before Flynn was even born! Enough said.

So people with out kids, stop asking me if I'm going to have a football team. And when I'm going to pop out any more. Because my heart aches every time I have to say no.

My troubles-some two keep me on my toes & I'm happy with that!

Hello April

I am welcoming April with HUGE open arms! Jan/Feb/March have been total write off's for me. January and February were pretty serious with Mum being quite poorly and March was just boring & irritating house troubles. It's such a boring story I'm not even going to groan on about it any more! Instead I'm all for April and starting again. 

I'm loving the Daf's and the blossom and the fresh mornings. The sun isn't quite on our side just yet but all things Spring are showing their beautiful faces.

I can't wait to get my two loves out the house and soaking up the Spring loveliness. 

If the sun doesn't want to show for these two happy bubs then I don't know what!

The last feed

13 months and 19 days. 13 months and 19 days of feeding Isla. 13 months and 19 of 'giving her the best start in life'. And all I'm left with is the guilt that I didn't carry on for as long as possible. Stupid huh?! This morning Isla had her last feed. Although I did not realise that it would be the last feed. Good I suppose, overwise I would have been a blubbering mess.

I've been pondering over the past week whether Isla Is getting the very best out of breastfeeding any more. Whether it's just a habit or if she is actually gaining any thing from it. Obviously she'd be getting some nutrients, but was it enough?

Before my Mum went into hospital just after new years, we had to cut feeds from as and when Isla 'needed' (she was one) a feed to once in the morning, once before I left the house to go to the hospital (twice a day) and when I got back, once after a meal and at bed time. So she was still feeding a fair bit. That soon went down to 3 feeds a day, then to just once in the morning and once at bed time. That's been the past couple of weeks. But the past week my nipples have been really sore. Like newborn sore but unlike a newborn she was only feeding twice a day so I thought they would heal pretty quick. I put them down to Isla sucking harder as she had missed it in the day and maybe my milk had gone down, feeds were shorter before she was coming off and looking at my boob a bit confused. I was wrong. They're still sore. So this evening she was tired at about half 6, half hr before bedtime and the thought of feeding her didn't really seem that appealing. I got her ready for bed and put some milk in a bottle (something she's never taken), sat in our usual chair in her dimmed bedroom and she drank the milk. Wasn't even bothered! I gave her a kiss and lay her in her sleeping bag, gave her her cuski and shut the door. She didn't even care that I hadn't fed her. And that was that. And then the tears came. I cried and cried. Like I hadn't cried for years. I couldn't stop. And I couldn't tell you where they came from. It's only breastfeeding after all. Something I thought I would never be able to do.

I'm sure the next few days will be hard. She already tries to get into my top during the day. But I'm hoping she just forgets (wishfull thinking). I said I would feed for a year but when 6/7/8 months came and it all became so easy I didn't mind how long we carried on for. She was still tiny after all. So I'm blessed we went for as long as we did. A whole lot longer than Flynn's journey. I will miss it. It was our quiet time and apart from sleeping it was when she was at her calmest.

Now where to buy some comfy ass bra's?!

Isla Baby at ONE!

Oh Isla, Isla, Isla. One once seemed so so far away. And I dreaded the day. It made me anxious. I wanted you to be a baby forever. Well the big 'One' finally came. And I tell ya, it ain't all that bad. Of course you're still my baby but you're a whole lot more fun!

We had a small affair for your birthday, you're a very lucky girl and share it with you Great Nanny (my Nan), so we shared the morning with her, and Nanny Wendy (my Mum). In the afternoon you got to see your Nanny Debbie, Pappy, Great Nanny Pat and Great Granddad Des! Luckily you were on top form all day and were in the party spirit!

Give me that cake!

Since then you've learnt to walk! A bit like a little drunk robot! But 3 weeks later and you're perfecting it. You like to climb on the coffee table & Flynn's bed, rather annoying might I add. Your favourite toys are Flynn's case for his DS, you carry it like a little handbag. Little animals, you like to tip them out of the tin and look at the one by one and stick them all in your mouth. Flynn's puzzles and playing cards, yes another annoying one, when will you learn to tidy them up after?! And your baby doll, poor thing gets bitten all over!

You're still a happy little bean and a pleasure to watch. You adore Flynn and he you. Although you still like to bite him for reasons unknown to anyone, but we're working on that. You make your self laugh, you like to clap, wave and dance. You're also a little vicious though, we all often get the odd slap, grab or poke. Your favourite foods are spag bol, chilli, noodles, broccoli and watsits! You're not keen on cows milk and I think our breastfeeding journey isn't quite over. You had you're first (and last, I hope!) visit to A&E when you had a reaction to egg, which you were thoroughly enjoying! And you've got 6 little teeth and I'm sure the 7th is trying to rear it's ugly head. 

Yes, you like to eat!

I wanted your first year to last forever but life after one must go on! You're a little love that's for sure but please learn to love sleep! So one turns out to be quite fun...what will the next few months bring?!

It's been a bit hectic..

We've been rather hectic over here. I got so sucked in my Christmas, I was like a walking fairy light! Previous years have been, ahem not, so, good. So I really wanted this one to be special for the little bears. And it was!

New years had been a quiet adventure for us for the past 4 years. Normally resulting with me asleep by 11* (*9), and Lee becoming less and less interested. Our party days aren't quite over but they're hibernating for now. That's all.

I was all ready to get back to it with new little projects to start, was even writing my first post of the year. Then BAM. Bad news hits me like a hole in the head. My poor Mama had a heart attack. Out of the blue. She'd had a flu over Christmas, which turned into a chest infection but the day before the heart attack when I spoke to her she sounded better.

10 days in hospital, the last 3 of which she was in insolation after catching MRSA from her drip, she finally came home last night. A whole lot better then when she arrived! She's on the mend but my nerves are shot to pieces!

So we're still here. Just quiet. But back to it. And excited :)

Belated happy new year to you all x

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When they love each other

Throughout my entire pregnancy people would always ask "how do you think Flynn will react to a new baby" my response was always the same "I think he'll be ok, he'll probably just want all my attention when im feeding/changing/settling". But really in my mind I had NO idea. I was completely clueless. I was only saying what I thought sounded right. He was only 2 and a half at the time and although he wasn't really naughty, he was a very determined littel lad.

Every time someone else asked me this stupid question, that I found impossible to answer it sent me into a state of panic. It made me doubt our decision to have another so close in age, was I able to look after two kids, what if Flynn resents me, will the new baby get neglected, how will Flynn react, what if he hates her, what if he hurts her. Round and round, until the day Isla was born.

The day I went into labour, all I could think about was poor Flynn being shoved from pillar to post. He was with his Nana's, so no one out of the ordinary. In fact he loved staying with them. But I couldn't help but think "is this it now? Poor Flynn being shoved out!". I had made the decision to stay in hospital 2 nights, just to adjust to having a baby again before having to go home to normal life. Until, Flynn came to meet his new sister for the first time. I wasn't expecting him so it took me by surprise. A good test on my hormonal emotions! He seemed so relaxed. Wasn't fazed, he loved her! Even the days and weeks after he never seemed jealous or upset by having a new baby. My only worry was he loved her TOO much! Cuddled too tight. Kissed too hard. Wanted to be near he all the time!

11 months on and they surprise me more and more every day. They really love each other. Isla follows Flynn every where. He calls her to come and play, she goes running. They just look at each other and make each other laugh. Sharing is a tiny issue but iy doesn't take long for Flynn to come round. *as I type they are fighting over Wreck it Ralph*. They play together, in different ways, but the diea is there. The concern in Isla's eye's when Flynn is upset, and vice versa, warms me to the bone. Flynn always asks if Isla can have something before he gives it to her or tells me when she's about to eat little bits she likes to find. He always puts on a iddy pitty voice when talking to her aswell.

Its love. The kind of love I thought I would never see. It always makes it a lot easier when they are being impossible. Which is most of the time!

Silent sunday *monday*

Silent sunday

Am I a breastfeeding outsider?

The answer in my eyes in a definite no. I am not the only one in the world that breast feeds & am not an outsider. But I know for sure that I'm not the only one who has felt to be the 'odd' one for breast feeding.

On the weekend I was at a friends baby shower, with a mixture of Mama's and non Mama's. One of the Mama's has a 10 week old, she had left at home with Dad. She said she never nursed out and about because she felt awkward and embarrassed. Another one of the Mama's who has two kiddies, never tried because she felt it weird. Another who has 3, 2 being twins, gave it a good go with the twins but couldn't carry on, but with her first fed for 10 months. One last Mama fed for 1 day but it hurt to much.

The non Mama's seemed quite against breast feeding, especially in public and just seemed a bit baffled and put off -- they seemed a bit weirded out to me.

The Mama of the shower wanted to try but wasn't going to push it if it didn't work out.

I wasn't really a part of this conversation, I just heard it going on in the background (nosy, me? No!) Now I am not a preacher of breastfeeding and it's bloody hard to get started. All Mama's are entitled to feed their Babes however they feel right for them. A happy Babe is a happy Mama after all. But I was just a bit taken back by the reaction from everyone, it just seemed that most of them thought breast feeding wasn't normal.

On this occasion I went to a different room to feed Isla as there was quite a lot going on and she's a nosy parker (like her mother maybe?!) so I just wanted her to get a good feed other wise I'd be feeding all day. Maybe they thought I was shy about feeding. Maybe Not?

On another occasion Lee has said about stopping, and when I went out one evening and Isla actually liked drinking formula from a bottle (drank it, didn't settle though), he said that I could stop now as she 'likes' a bottle. I'm not sure why he thought I would like to stop. Because she had teeth or something. I said no we're good the way we are. Clearly he's forgotten how expensive formula is and what a faff it can be! Our neighbour (also a fella) said something along the same lines. Again I've no idea why, I've never complained about breastfeeding.

I felt like I was being cornered for wanted to feed my baby. Not only do I feed her for the health benefits, but for the expense, the extra crap I'd have to carry around, and it's just so much easy to whack a boob out. No? 

Maybe I'm getting confused? A lot of people ask if I'm still feeding her. They always seemed so surprised when I say yes. "Oh wow really!?" with a puzzled look on their faces! Lee's Nan is brilliant "Oh really Sarah, are you all right doing that?" really? Why wouldn't I be?! 

Like I said I'm all for breast or formula (Flynn was formula fed from 4 months old). What ever is good for you as a Mama. I'm just flabbergasted over people's thinking of breast feeding. I've read about it but I've never seen it with my own two eyes.

 

Isla Lei at 10 Months

I truly cannot believe how fast this year has gone. And having a baby born right at the end of the year really makes you see how fast time is flying. 10 months -- TEN! 

Isla really is a joy to be around and at 10 months her little personally really is shining though. She is the happiest baby and smiles at anyone and everyone. I will have to rein this in as she gets older -- STRANGER DANGER! Her crawling is adorable as she's just started to get it right and starts to explore the house -- mainly eating whatever lint is lying around! Before now, if Flynn ever hurt her or took something away she wouldn't kick up any fuss, I'd find myself saying "Flynn please don't do that, Isla is sad now" as she sits there not batting an eye lid! But now she makes herself heard. Oh god has Flynn got it coming! She's stored all the horrible things he's done to her and she's getting him back -- biting is her thing at the moment. If Flynn has bare legs, she goes storming over grabbing at him head first. It's quite hard telling a 10 month old off (for the sake of a 3 yr old) and her laughing in your face! 

Sleep is not on Isla's agenda right now. She used to settle herself so nicely, but teeth seem to be getting in the way of this. Or am I? (More on this later). Their are 2 toothies at the bottom of her little chops and 2 diddy one's just come though at the top. Her hair shines a little red in the sunshine and she refuses to wear a hat. I can't find any shoes to fit her titchy feet and her socks fall off ALL the time. We're still in 6-9 clothes and some 3-6! Standing is a new favourite but she can't quite find how to sit back down. We have to be in the right environment to feed as she's a nosy parker and my milk still sprays all over the joint!

Watching Isla grow is lovely, and watching her with Flynn is even better. They make each other laugh at the tiniest things. All they have to do is smile at each other. I feel so lucky to have my 2. They melt my heart as much as they make me pull my hair out. But such is life. I love watching her but it also makes me sad that she will no longer be a baby soon. What kind of toddler will she be?! Dare I ask!

Slightly milk drunk 

Those precious moments

My kids drive me crazy. So frickin crazy I loose sight of them ever being well behaved. EVER. So when they turn into loving, smushy, cwtchy babies, my heart melts. 

Especially Isla, from day dot she has very rarely fallen asleep on any one, she likes to suck her thumb, with her Cuski and fall in the land of zzz's in her cot. But on the weekend I was mildly (ahem)hung over. The best place for me was in bed. Lee very lovingly let me snooze whilst he played with the babies, but Isla can't live a single moment with out me and my boobs so in comes Isla. One feed later and she's all snuggled into me sucking her thumb and staring into my eyes. I kid you not I was almost blubbing like a baby. I just watched her fall asleep, just like that. I so wanted to sleep myself but I just found myself watching her teeny tiny little face and just treasured one of the most precious moments we've ever had.

My heart was on the floor. 

Like I said, they drive me so incredibly nuts at times. But I love em, and their mine.

Silent sunday

Cuski love

I always pined over a Cuski for Flynn when he was a bubby, they looked so soft and soothing. But instead Flynn liked a dummy and my hand..mainly to keep the dummy in! So when Isla came and I was determained to breast feed Cuski was the first place I looked. 

For anyone who doesn't know what Cuski are, they're a comforter made from really soft natural cotton that absorb Mama's or Papa's smell so Baby never feels far from their favourite person. Have a look here for more about Cuski. 

We got Isla a Cuski when she was about 3 months old as I was worried she was using me as a dummy...not fun at 3am! She instantly loved it. We only ever used it at naps and bed time and never as a toy so it kept it's specialness. 

When I put her down at bed time, all zipped in her sleeping bag, thumb nearly in, she's instantly searching for it and doesn't close her eyes until she's draped it over her face sucking her thumb.

We love Cuski so much we even have a Swandoodle

I love it so much (I'm not going to lie, I even liked sleeping with it for the night before I handed it over to Isla) that I've bought it for any baby showers and new Baba gifts, and they've all loved it too. 

I'd much rather Isla carry round a super cute floppy bear to comfort her when our breastfeeding days are over. And as she doesn't really favour a dummy it's a win win situation!



*I didn't receive and dollar for this post. All the words are my own and Isla's opinion. 

Super guilt over here

Motherhood should come with some sort of disclaimer that you sign when you're about to take your precious bundle home from hospital. Number one will be - you will feel guilty about your decisions 90% of the time.

With out a doubt this is how I feel anyway. I feel guilty when I shout a little too loud, when I'm force feeding flynn is breakfast/lunch/dinner which he never wants to eat EVER. I feel guilty for giving him chocolate, for not giving him chocolate, for sending him to bed early or late. The list is endless.

This particular week I feel guilty for needing space. You know that thing you left behind at the hospital along with that invisible disclaimer. Yeah that long lost space that you will never gain back (no.2 on the disclaimer).

I feel like all I've done in the past couple of weeks is loose my rag. Over silly things and important things. But probably mostly silly, stupid, kick myself for things.

So my glorious Mother is going to take flynn on an wee trip to stay with my brother in Cardiff today. Guess what. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting the space we both need, I feel guilty for constantly telling off and now feel selfish for booting him out with Nanny for 3 days. And I'm going to miss him like loosing my right arm. But oh dear lord I need to breath.

So this morning was one of them fuck off mornings when all you want to do is get out the house and do the school run but one's playing stupid, the others done a poo EVERYWHERE, now the other is taking their clothes off. FML. So when we got to nursery (late) I realised I'm not going to see him now until Thursday night. Gah I held the tears back. I never even got to say bye properly as he's so desperate to get in there. Not that he probably cares. Now im babbling because I feel like a terrible mother.

I just pray to god he comes home a less distructive toddler and starts to listen the first time I say something not the 8th. And that I'm a more chilled, less shouty horrible mama. Calm!

I wanted colder weather not colds

That dreaded back to nursery moment after the summer hols when you're all healthy and your ready to drop (dump) your precious (annoying) little one off. When all you see is snot. Everywhere. Give it an hour and that lovely child's snot will be transferred to your healthy kid and then onto your other healthy kid and then you. These places should come with health insurance.

Kid one is better, kid two nearly there and you..full blown sick. Snot, sleepless nights and no hard drugs because you're breastfeeding equals a possessed living zombie.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

No such thing as 'me time'

Right now I should be wrapped in my pjs whilst eating a late dinner post spin class. Instead I'm wrapped in my pjs, no dinner, no spin class. The second time this has happened this week. The reason..me forever having to deal with the kids.

The gym is the only time I get out the house ALONE! No kids fighting for my attention. I don't even get to shower or pee alone. This is motherhood. So I like the gym, me time. 

Instead I'm doing my motherly duties which made me late for my classes this week. I'm especially annoyed tonight as I was sitting with flynn whilst he ate his dinner, nicely,  which he NEVER does. Realised I then only had 5 minutes to get isla fed and in bed. Whilst rushing isla into bed I asked lee if he could drop me off instead of me catching the bus but no he's had too many drinks. I got dressed and ran out the house, forgot my drink, got said drink, run to bus stop. Bus drives past. FML. Wait 10 minutes, not going to make it. Stomp home.

Me time is fucked.

In need of a holiday.

Some one pleeeease let me have a holiday. I'm drownimg in stay at home mum rubbishness. My choice to stay at home yes, but I need a break. Away. Away from here. Away from all the things giving me palpitations. Ill invite the kids and Lee I suppose. As long as we're away from here. Lake District dounds lovely. Or Cornwall. I like the sound of a log cabin or teepee some where with beautiful views and quiteness and peace.

Bank man says no. So maybe I'm not asking for the holiday but the funds. Anyone?

'Nursing rooms'

I'm not shy about breast feeding. Rewind 3 years ago and the thought of feeding in public gave me palpitations. Just the thought of the flap of latching Flynn on and people catching a sneak peak of one of my nips or milk spraying an innocent coffee drinker definitely made feeding in the changing room appealing. 

Nowadays I'm a braver mama and whack em' out when ever Isla needs. In the 7 months I've fed Isla I've not once fed her in a changing room which has a very thoughtfully placed plastic chair in. Funnily enough that doesn't really seem comfy to me. Not until the other day when Isla and I were out shopping by our selves, she'd done one of those glorious explosive shits, so off to the changing room in Asda. All good. She won't go back into the pushchair with out screeching. A feed it is. Sat in a chair opposite the toilet, that had poo splatted on the floor next to it. A few weeks later when in the same loo to change Isla, the chair had moved to a different wall, alas still facing in the direction of the toilet. Not to mention the toilets had been refurbished weeks before, still looking exactly the same.

This isn't the first changing room I've seen with a unappealing chair plonked in. Clearly the people who design these spaces have never breast fed or don't have children. 

Lesson learnt. It just reminds me of why I said no thanks to a offer of feeding in the changing room at the hospital when Isla was about 10 days old. The offer from a nurse. I said no thank you politely and thought nothing more of it until now. And now I'm thinking 'how effing rude'.

It's a good thing I'm less shy now and I don't mind where we feed. I've fed Isla sat in the park, sitting on a railing watching the boys crab fish, on the beach, sat on a wall for all the traffic to see. Doesn't bother me. What does bother me however is that people think nursing mothers would like to sit in the toilet to do something as natural as putting food in your own mouth.