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When they love each other

Throughout my entire pregnancy people would always ask "how do you think Flynn will react to a new baby" my response was always the same "I think he'll be ok, he'll probably just want all my attention when im feeding/changing/settling". But really in my mind I had NO idea. I was completely clueless. I was only saying what I thought sounded right. He was only 2 and a half at the time and although he wasn't really naughty, he was a very determined littel lad.

Every time someone else asked me this stupid question, that I found impossible to answer it sent me into a state of panic. It made me doubt our decision to have another so close in age, was I able to look after two kids, what if Flynn resents me, will the new baby get neglected, how will Flynn react, what if he hates her, what if he hurts her. Round and round, until the day Isla was born.

The day I went into labour, all I could think about was poor Flynn being shoved from pillar to post. He was with his Nana's, so no one out of the ordinary. In fact he loved staying with them. But I couldn't help but think "is this it now? Poor Flynn being shoved out!". I had made the decision to stay in hospital 2 nights, just to adjust to having a baby again before having to go home to normal life. Until, Flynn came to meet his new sister for the first time. I wasn't expecting him so it took me by surprise. A good test on my hormonal emotions! He seemed so relaxed. Wasn't fazed, he loved her! Even the days and weeks after he never seemed jealous or upset by having a new baby. My only worry was he loved her TOO much! Cuddled too tight. Kissed too hard. Wanted to be near he all the time!

11 months on and they surprise me more and more every day. They really love each other. Isla follows Flynn every where. He calls her to come and play, she goes running. They just look at each other and make each other laugh. Sharing is a tiny issue but iy doesn't take long for Flynn to come round. *as I type they are fighting over Wreck it Ralph*. They play together, in different ways, but the diea is there. The concern in Isla's eye's when Flynn is upset, and vice versa, warms me to the bone. Flynn always asks if Isla can have something before he gives it to her or tells me when she's about to eat little bits she likes to find. He always puts on a iddy pitty voice when talking to her aswell.

Its love. The kind of love I thought I would never see. It always makes it a lot easier when they are being impossible. Which is most of the time!

Silent sunday *monday*

Silent sunday

Am I a breastfeeding outsider?

The answer in my eyes in a definite no. I am not the only one in the world that breast feeds & am not an outsider. But I know for sure that I'm not the only one who has felt to be the 'odd' one for breast feeding.

On the weekend I was at a friends baby shower, with a mixture of Mama's and non Mama's. One of the Mama's has a 10 week old, she had left at home with Dad. She said she never nursed out and about because she felt awkward and embarrassed. Another one of the Mama's who has two kiddies, never tried because she felt it weird. Another who has 3, 2 being twins, gave it a good go with the twins but couldn't carry on, but with her first fed for 10 months. One last Mama fed for 1 day but it hurt to much.

The non Mama's seemed quite against breast feeding, especially in public and just seemed a bit baffled and put off -- they seemed a bit weirded out to me.

The Mama of the shower wanted to try but wasn't going to push it if it didn't work out.

I wasn't really a part of this conversation, I just heard it going on in the background (nosy, me? No!) Now I am not a preacher of breastfeeding and it's bloody hard to get started. All Mama's are entitled to feed their Babes however they feel right for them. A happy Babe is a happy Mama after all. But I was just a bit taken back by the reaction from everyone, it just seemed that most of them thought breast feeding wasn't normal.

On this occasion I went to a different room to feed Isla as there was quite a lot going on and she's a nosy parker (like her mother maybe?!) so I just wanted her to get a good feed other wise I'd be feeding all day. Maybe they thought I was shy about feeding. Maybe Not?

On another occasion Lee has said about stopping, and when I went out one evening and Isla actually liked drinking formula from a bottle (drank it, didn't settle though), he said that I could stop now as she 'likes' a bottle. I'm not sure why he thought I would like to stop. Because she had teeth or something. I said no we're good the way we are. Clearly he's forgotten how expensive formula is and what a faff it can be! Our neighbour (also a fella) said something along the same lines. Again I've no idea why, I've never complained about breastfeeding.

I felt like I was being cornered for wanted to feed my baby. Not only do I feed her for the health benefits, but for the expense, the extra crap I'd have to carry around, and it's just so much easy to whack a boob out. No? 

Maybe I'm getting confused? A lot of people ask if I'm still feeding her. They always seemed so surprised when I say yes. "Oh wow really!?" with a puzzled look on their faces! Lee's Nan is brilliant "Oh really Sarah, are you all right doing that?" really? Why wouldn't I be?! 

Like I said I'm all for breast or formula (Flynn was formula fed from 4 months old). What ever is good for you as a Mama. I'm just flabbergasted over people's thinking of breast feeding. I've read about it but I've never seen it with my own two eyes.

 

Isla Lei at 10 Months

I truly cannot believe how fast this year has gone. And having a baby born right at the end of the year really makes you see how fast time is flying. 10 months -- TEN! 

Isla really is a joy to be around and at 10 months her little personally really is shining though. She is the happiest baby and smiles at anyone and everyone. I will have to rein this in as she gets older -- STRANGER DANGER! Her crawling is adorable as she's just started to get it right and starts to explore the house -- mainly eating whatever lint is lying around! Before now, if Flynn ever hurt her or took something away she wouldn't kick up any fuss, I'd find myself saying "Flynn please don't do that, Isla is sad now" as she sits there not batting an eye lid! But now she makes herself heard. Oh god has Flynn got it coming! She's stored all the horrible things he's done to her and she's getting him back -- biting is her thing at the moment. If Flynn has bare legs, she goes storming over grabbing at him head first. It's quite hard telling a 10 month old off (for the sake of a 3 yr old) and her laughing in your face! 

Sleep is not on Isla's agenda right now. She used to settle herself so nicely, but teeth seem to be getting in the way of this. Or am I? (More on this later). Their are 2 toothies at the bottom of her little chops and 2 diddy one's just come though at the top. Her hair shines a little red in the sunshine and she refuses to wear a hat. I can't find any shoes to fit her titchy feet and her socks fall off ALL the time. We're still in 6-9 clothes and some 3-6! Standing is a new favourite but she can't quite find how to sit back down. We have to be in the right environment to feed as she's a nosy parker and my milk still sprays all over the joint!

Watching Isla grow is lovely, and watching her with Flynn is even better. They make each other laugh at the tiniest things. All they have to do is smile at each other. I feel so lucky to have my 2. They melt my heart as much as they make me pull my hair out. But such is life. I love watching her but it also makes me sad that she will no longer be a baby soon. What kind of toddler will she be?! Dare I ask!

Slightly milk drunk 

Those precious moments

My kids drive me crazy. So frickin crazy I loose sight of them ever being well behaved. EVER. So when they turn into loving, smushy, cwtchy babies, my heart melts. 

Especially Isla, from day dot she has very rarely fallen asleep on any one, she likes to suck her thumb, with her Cuski and fall in the land of zzz's in her cot. But on the weekend I was mildly (ahem)hung over. The best place for me was in bed. Lee very lovingly let me snooze whilst he played with the babies, but Isla can't live a single moment with out me and my boobs so in comes Isla. One feed later and she's all snuggled into me sucking her thumb and staring into my eyes. I kid you not I was almost blubbing like a baby. I just watched her fall asleep, just like that. I so wanted to sleep myself but I just found myself watching her teeny tiny little face and just treasured one of the most precious moments we've ever had.

My heart was on the floor. 

Like I said, they drive me so incredibly nuts at times. But I love em, and their mine.

Silent sunday

Cuski love

I always pined over a Cuski for Flynn when he was a bubby, they looked so soft and soothing. But instead Flynn liked a dummy and my hand..mainly to keep the dummy in! So when Isla came and I was determained to breast feed Cuski was the first place I looked. 

For anyone who doesn't know what Cuski are, they're a comforter made from really soft natural cotton that absorb Mama's or Papa's smell so Baby never feels far from their favourite person. Have a look here for more about Cuski. 

We got Isla a Cuski when she was about 3 months old as I was worried she was using me as a dummy...not fun at 3am! She instantly loved it. We only ever used it at naps and bed time and never as a toy so it kept it's specialness. 

When I put her down at bed time, all zipped in her sleeping bag, thumb nearly in, she's instantly searching for it and doesn't close her eyes until she's draped it over her face sucking her thumb.

We love Cuski so much we even have a Swandoodle

I love it so much (I'm not going to lie, I even liked sleeping with it for the night before I handed it over to Isla) that I've bought it for any baby showers and new Baba gifts, and they've all loved it too. 

I'd much rather Isla carry round a super cute floppy bear to comfort her when our breastfeeding days are over. And as she doesn't really favour a dummy it's a win win situation!



*I didn't receive and dollar for this post. All the words are my own and Isla's opinion. 

Super guilt over here

Motherhood should come with some sort of disclaimer that you sign when you're about to take your precious bundle home from hospital. Number one will be - you will feel guilty about your decisions 90% of the time.

With out a doubt this is how I feel anyway. I feel guilty when I shout a little too loud, when I'm force feeding flynn is breakfast/lunch/dinner which he never wants to eat EVER. I feel guilty for giving him chocolate, for not giving him chocolate, for sending him to bed early or late. The list is endless.

This particular week I feel guilty for needing space. You know that thing you left behind at the hospital along with that invisible disclaimer. Yeah that long lost space that you will never gain back (no.2 on the disclaimer).

I feel like all I've done in the past couple of weeks is loose my rag. Over silly things and important things. But probably mostly silly, stupid, kick myself for things.

So my glorious Mother is going to take flynn on an wee trip to stay with my brother in Cardiff today. Guess what. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting the space we both need, I feel guilty for constantly telling off and now feel selfish for booting him out with Nanny for 3 days. And I'm going to miss him like loosing my right arm. But oh dear lord I need to breath.

So this morning was one of them fuck off mornings when all you want to do is get out the house and do the school run but one's playing stupid, the others done a poo EVERYWHERE, now the other is taking their clothes off. FML. So when we got to nursery (late) I realised I'm not going to see him now until Thursday night. Gah I held the tears back. I never even got to say bye properly as he's so desperate to get in there. Not that he probably cares. Now im babbling because I feel like a terrible mother.

I just pray to god he comes home a less distructive toddler and starts to listen the first time I say something not the 8th. And that I'm a more chilled, less shouty horrible mama. Calm!

I wanted colder weather not colds

That dreaded back to nursery moment after the summer hols when you're all healthy and your ready to drop (dump) your precious (annoying) little one off. When all you see is snot. Everywhere. Give it an hour and that lovely child's snot will be transferred to your healthy kid and then onto your other healthy kid and then you. These places should come with health insurance.

Kid one is better, kid two nearly there and you..full blown sick. Snot, sleepless nights and no hard drugs because you're breastfeeding equals a possessed living zombie.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

No such thing as 'me time'

Right now I should be wrapped in my pjs whilst eating a late dinner post spin class. Instead I'm wrapped in my pjs, no dinner, no spin class. The second time this has happened this week. The reason..me forever having to deal with the kids.

The gym is the only time I get out the house ALONE! No kids fighting for my attention. I don't even get to shower or pee alone. This is motherhood. So I like the gym, me time. 

Instead I'm doing my motherly duties which made me late for my classes this week. I'm especially annoyed tonight as I was sitting with flynn whilst he ate his dinner, nicely,  which he NEVER does. Realised I then only had 5 minutes to get isla fed and in bed. Whilst rushing isla into bed I asked lee if he could drop me off instead of me catching the bus but no he's had too many drinks. I got dressed and ran out the house, forgot my drink, got said drink, run to bus stop. Bus drives past. FML. Wait 10 minutes, not going to make it. Stomp home.

Me time is fucked.

In need of a holiday.

Some one pleeeease let me have a holiday. I'm drownimg in stay at home mum rubbishness. My choice to stay at home yes, but I need a break. Away. Away from here. Away from all the things giving me palpitations. Ill invite the kids and Lee I suppose. As long as we're away from here. Lake District dounds lovely. Or Cornwall. I like the sound of a log cabin or teepee some where with beautiful views and quiteness and peace.

Bank man says no. So maybe I'm not asking for the holiday but the funds. Anyone?

'Nursing rooms'

I'm not shy about breast feeding. Rewind 3 years ago and the thought of feeding in public gave me palpitations. Just the thought of the flap of latching Flynn on and people catching a sneak peak of one of my nips or milk spraying an innocent coffee drinker definitely made feeding in the changing room appealing. 

Nowadays I'm a braver mama and whack em' out when ever Isla needs. In the 7 months I've fed Isla I've not once fed her in a changing room which has a very thoughtfully placed plastic chair in. Funnily enough that doesn't really seem comfy to me. Not until the other day when Isla and I were out shopping by our selves, she'd done one of those glorious explosive shits, so off to the changing room in Asda. All good. She won't go back into the pushchair with out screeching. A feed it is. Sat in a chair opposite the toilet, that had poo splatted on the floor next to it. A few weeks later when in the same loo to change Isla, the chair had moved to a different wall, alas still facing in the direction of the toilet. Not to mention the toilets had been refurbished weeks before, still looking exactly the same.

This isn't the first changing room I've seen with a unappealing chair plonked in. Clearly the people who design these spaces have never breast fed or don't have children. 

Lesson learnt. It just reminds me of why I said no thanks to a offer of feeding in the changing room at the hospital when Isla was about 10 days old. The offer from a nurse. I said no thank you politely and thought nothing more of it until now. And now I'm thinking 'how effing rude'.

It's a good thing I'm less shy now and I don't mind where we feed. I've fed Isla sat in the park, sitting on a railing watching the boys crab fish, on the beach, sat on a wall for all the traffic to see. Doesn't bother me. What does bother me however is that people think nursing mothers would like to sit in the toilet to do something as natural as putting food in your own mouth.

Happy weekends

After a week of naughty toddlers (not just mine), lots of moaning (not from me this time!) and reading horrors in the news (anxiety alert!!) We've had a lovely weekend. Nothing out of the ordinary but lovely all the same.

Naughty, screaming toddlers have been the massive pain in my ass this week! Mine included but mostly other toddlers with the tantrums and crying! Oh god that screaming cry that goes straight through me like a knife! Like I said flynn is no saint and can bust a tantrum like the best of them but seriously these other toddlers were unbearable! And when flynn and I had a day of just us I realised he's alot easier to snap out of these tantrums then some of his friends (like I said he's no saint!)

The moaning is normally done by me (i try not to, honest) and I like a attract people that like to moan to me about day to day life. Fine we all deserve a moan. But sometimes I like normal conversion. Away from the moan and drama. I need less drama and more calm. Hommmm.

Not really horrors but bad news I suppose. A 9yr old girl got knocked over by a cyclist in our area on Friday and the nasty idiot cycled off leaving her in a fatal condition. He did hand him self in the next day but it left me seething that any one could leave a child in such a state. Then there's the train crash in Spain and a man somewhere in the world who done horrible, unthinkable things to some girls but skipped the death sentence because he offered to do life in jail. How he has the choice is beyond me!

Enough of the groan! To gather my inner calm we went to my favourite beach, which is never busy or dirty and the water is shallow enough for flynn to play in with out me dying of a heart attack. Normally there's cockles but we only found diddy ones. Flynn amd daddy had fun splashing arojnd in the freezing sea whilst isla and I had a cwtch on the sand. Bliss. And then we went for a drive in the lovely area which bends all around the beach. So lovely to see families out doing things they enjoy. I miss all these things as I'm too busy thinking about the next thing I have to do.

Today was spent us having our pictures taken (more on this later) and going to the local funday at the park. Fun happy family time. Tainted only a little bit by some moaning (not me, all about the calm) I will not be dragged down, I will not be dragged down. New mantra!

All for the calm.

Catching up

Ive been catching up with some things (sleep definitely not one of them). Nothing important, mainly housework and people. Although the housework is lacking. Oops. I've been trying not to think too much as well. It hurts my brain, and the kids do that as well. So I've been trying to lead and easy life, hense the no blogging. Sorry about that.

Lots of things have come to mind. My exercising, wedding's (not mine don't panic), the kids driving me crazy nuts, my lack of enthusiasm towards housework, my love for this current lush weather. But I haven't blogged.

So instead I shall update you with insti pics

Enjoy.

Mood

Can someone please snap me out of this mother of a bad mood! Its been hovering for a couple of weeks now and it's making me one of those mothers I don't want to be. Shouty, short patients and an extreme grump. Poor Flynn is getting the brunt end of it. Every time I shout louder then necessary or tell him off for the stupidest thing i kick my self and then ill see him playing nicely and feel extra guilty!

I know the problems that are making me feel this way. A multitude of lack of sleep - Isla likes to wake up 3 times a night of recent, money worries, the decorating if half done and the house is falling apart around us, flynn is in a whiney/I'm not listening to you stage which is driving me barmy! Just to name a few. And the fact that I let all these things get to me the way they do brings me down a little more.

I'm even boring myself blabbing about it. Just snap out of it woman!!

Isla at 6 months

My iddy biddy girl is 6 months old today. I'm freaking out at how fast shes growing. Everyday shes learning different things and wants to be doing new things all the time. When Flynn was born I just couldn't wait for him to do the next thing. To role, to have his first solids, to sit..literally all his 'firsts' I just couldn't wait for. With Isla my attitude is completely opposite. I just need her to be a baby for longer. Isla had solids later, she's still in her bassinet and still rocks her baby grows. I've also breast feed isla for 6 whole months. Something I thought I would never be able to do (me and flynn lasted 10 days before going on to expressing) and I'm so proud of us for sticking at it!

She loves to play on her play gym and roll over and then scream after 4 minutes. Kisses and cuddles from Flynn mesmerize her. She has the tickleist (we all know that's a word) chin and arm pits. The diddiest feet. And smiles at anyone and everyone but saves the biggest smiles for her daddio!

Here's to the next 6 month's!  I can't wait to see what Isla does next but I'm not gunna lie she can stay a baby for longer!

Dear Flynn...(may contain very soppy stuff)

My gorgeous boy you've turned 3 today. I never really thought past you're 2nd birthday to be honest, the first two years were hard and full of learning but we survived. We also had a lot of fun. I struggled but I always tried to make sure you were happy. Then the 3rd year and you're a whole new person. Bright, funny and full of character. A lot of parents say this about their children but this is you down to a T. You make me laugh, cry, angry and damn right nuts. But at the end of the day when you snuggle in and ask me to carry you to bed like a baby all is forgotten and you just melt my heart.

You love football, spider man, the garden, running around like a loon, singing along to the songs of Disney junior and kissing baby Isla like it's the first time you've ever seen her. Some days you drive me so potty I feel like a terrible mother. But then someone will comment on how polite you are with your "pardons" and "please's and thank you's". You make me see that all our hard work pays off. And I really love you more then I can put to words.

I'm so proud to have shared the past 3 years with you Flynn. You brighten my life and I couldn't ask for any more from you. Apart from stop growing so fast, I can't take the emotion.

Keep being amazing my punk. I love you.

Woolwich murder

I'm not religious. I'm definitely not political. But I have morals and a view on life. My view right now is that I should be fast asleep like my babies but cannot stop thinking about what the hell is going on in Britain today. A man has died. An innocent soldier going about his own business. Not even on the front line and he's been murdered. A true tragedy. But all I'm seeing sprawled across facebook and the likes is racism, hatred, stereotyping and alot of pointing the finger. Im actually disgraced by this nation. Yes those men have done a terrible crime, and in my eyes should be put to the death sentence. But we're all as bad as one another if racism and the likes comes into it.

We should all take a step back and think about the poor victim and his mourning family and friends that have lost someone so dear to them. Think of the true victims here. Not the scum who did this unthinkable attack, who clearly want the attention.

Britain needs to have some dignity.

Mother's moan

Once a month, for about a week, I have a mini itsy bitsy tiny little break down about how little sleep I get. How much cleaning I do but how the house is such a shit heap still. How I don't get a day off. How naughty my gorgeous devil first born can be. How un-helpful my always better half is. How he comes in from work, moans when dinner is and eats said dinner I lovingly made for him and then sits on his ass and moans how tired he is. And falls asleep. Just like that.

No this is not a competition on the hardest working parent in the house (maybe a little bit). We both work pretty hard, he gets up early and is on the go all day. As am I. I am also up several times in the night, half hr a time, feeding and soothing little children. Oh god I miss my sleep. And then have bored toddler to entertain, feed, tell off LOTS, baby to feed, entertain...you all know a mother day right! So no this is not a competition. Just in need of some appreciation is all.

Yes I chose my 'job'. And love it. BUT it's hard work being a mother of 2. And being a mother of a 30 yr old as well. Just saying. If this subject is ever bought up. If I even moan just a speckle about how I've had a bad day I get "well you go out to work then and I'll stay at home" PAH! There's a joke if I've ever heard one. For the record I don't doubt a baby daddy could the work of a mama. I'm just thinking in our situation this house wouldn't run like it does now. I'm not perfect either.

Swings and roundabouts. This week I'm back to the thinking of I'll just have to live with little sleep, I've got no choice but to clean 24/7, I don't get a day off, and the gym in my only escape. Fine.

This beauty could not have said it any better when my week long foul mood was at it's heist.

See you in three weeks black hole.

Got beef!

No not the tasty kind to feed my lovely family. No no of those lovely beefy dinners this week. No this week and last week and the week before that I've got beef with the chicken pox or I'm starting to think they've got beef with me. I had them when I was 11/12, in the summer, and remember it rather well. The evil never ending itch. The pasty look of the calamine. The scare of the scarring of my face (none thank god). Flynn wasn't too bad when he had them. Only one day he was really poorly and sad. But he could let me know where it hurts.

Now Isla has them it's a whole new kettle of fish! And all those people who keep saying "It's better if she gets them now blah blah blah shit" BULLSHIT! She's helpless. She cries ALOT. Feeds 20 times a day. Up 3/4 times at night. Let's see how they feel about this when they have to look after a poorly baby who can't let you know what's going on other then in cries. Just to make things better, she's COVERED! All over her back, tummy, legs, bum, face and scalp. Even more then Flynn. Yes, it's possible!! And as they're starting to dry up a little I can see where they're going to scar. Her face. Her beautiful little round face!

 

Before shit got real.

Like I said these pox have the beef with me for some reason!

To put the cherry on the top, Flynn is back on full form, being a class A monster. How many times do I have to say "don't shout, Isla feels poorly" "don't spit that's dirty" "next time you hit me with that you'll be in the naughty corner" "leave baby Isla alone, she's sleeping". The list goes on and on and on and on and on.....

 

Breaks my heart

Pushchair dilemma

Ive probably just experienced most of the reasons why I should have got a double buggy. But no I thought was being cheap and wise by buying a pram that easily converted from carrycot to seat unit (my3) with a bughy board and baby bjorn. Until today I was cheap and wise. Today I was just cheap! Lovely day at my mamas, followed by walk to bus stop to go home, isla in pram, flynn on board, rather loaded pram. Get to bus stop, stupidly long wait, so flynn naps on my shoulder whilst perched on my hip. All good until I get on said bus trying to look all pro like im some sort of muscle woman. Im pretty sure I failed miserably.  Some lovely lady must have seen the sheer worry in my face at the thought of getting off the bus and helped me off the bus which was AMAZING! But god did my arm die from the 2min walk from bus stop to home!

This has never happened before, so a double buggy has never been in the question. But do I need one now just because of this one incident?  Flynn is nearly 3. And I am a bit of a buggy whore (5 of the buggers). Im taking a very good guess at saying Lee will laugh in my face. Hard. At me mentioning a new pram, let alone a preloved one! Hm I can look in the mean time. Watch this space pram lovers.

Chicken pox and what not

Chicken pox is exactly what's been floating round our house this week! My poor flynno is COVERED in the things. Monday it started off very calmly and I felt so sorry for him then, by Thursday the poor thing was in tears for "more mediton cweam" to sooth the ithces, my heart sank with the cries!

Im no expert on the pox so this is when the trusty internet mamas work their magic..we've had oat baths, bicarbonate of soda baths, lots of calpol and tons of calamine lotion. I've decided to chuck a little list together for you mama's who's bambinos have the pox..

- chicken pox is caught by coughs and sneezes, it usually takes 7-21 days for the spots to appear and is most infectious 2-3 days before the spots come out
- calamine is a obvious one and everyone knows about it for the pox but it really is a life saver and lovely and soothing when put in the fridge! Flynn calls it his "mediton cweam"
- oats put into a stocking or cut up tights in the bath sounded crazy to me but the results were lovely soft and soothed skin (me and flynn!) The oat stocking was lovely to rub all over to wash him with rather than a rough flannel
- bicarbonate of soda in the bath also relieves the itch, that pesky bloody itch that wont go away and makes both mama and baby miserable,  soothing baths save the day!
- piriton was another one recommended, haven't tried this as yet but definitely a winner
- loose clothing and not alot as it seemed flynn was more irritated when he got hot. His wardrobe has resembled that of a clown in pyjamas this week!
- when applying the calamine lotion he would complain it hurt, I in turn told him it was just cold and he would stop crying. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind eh
- the spots start off slow and look like tiny little blisters, but dont be fooled, they spread like wild fire EVERYWHERE! Ears, eyes, armpits, bums, scalps, fingers and toes! They soon start to dry up and look less painful but are still itchy
- keep finger nails short, definitely more painful if they catch spots with sharp nails!

Hopefully that helps for you mama's who have run out of ideas for soothing their bambinos with the pox..they definitely helped me and flynn!

Now im just waiting for Isla to catch them..oh sweet jesus!

Getting fit

It seems that I am starting most peoples new years resolutions in April. Having a tiny baby and troublesome toddler doesn't really give you much time to focus on anything else other then them. And I was totally content doing that for the first 3 months. Now we're in a bit of a routine (I think?)  I've dusted off the old trainers and endulged in some new work out clobber in an effort to get fit. This belly is checking out. But seeing as I'm still breastfeeding and plan to for a bit longer I'm not exactly dieting,  just easting more fruit and veggies and trying to glug aqua like it's going out of fashion. 

So Thursday consisted of a starter run of jogging for 60 seconds, walking for 90 seconds, 8 times. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be bitni syked myself up all day and promised myself it woild happen.  I even wore my trainers all day to get me in the mood. Then the snow came and I started to panic. I wanted to run not kill myself! As soon as Lee got home on went the work out bra and off I went. I even saw some fellow runners and gave them thd 'well done you' nod. After all runners world website did say I was a runner even after the first run!

Next is spinning on Sunday morning. Now this I know this will kill me but I will stick at it. I will, I will, I DEFINITELY will! If in a weeks times I change my tune then I will be looking for some major motivation and a kick up the backside! Lee's already gone all Richard Callender on my ass.

Im off to search my inner school girl and buy a skipping rope for the days in between runs and spinning class. Watch this space...

Old!

Now I am far from old, being only 23! But this Easter weekend I ventured out to paint the town red for a friends birthday and jeez did I feel out of place!

Now it's been a fair few months since I got me glad rags on. Just over a year! And I haven't really had a drink at all in that time. So I was a little nervous. And the fact I had to feed Isla the next day was playing on my mind a lot and holding me back.

But as soon as I was all scrubbed, tanned and heels on I didn't feel too bad. I felt like the old me again. And we got there and it was great to see all my lovelies all dressed up and me not covered in baby vom. But then it was the tackles to the bar and loo with all the teeny boppers about! All the snogging! All the looks you get for walking through them! Oh god I felt about 80!

Bumping into people I haven't seen for a very long time and saying what I've been up to and how I have 2 kids now, I felt very boring! I'm even rolling my own eyes at myself for saying that. But really I did.

I wasn't the only one that felt a bit odd and out of place, one other of my friends (who doesn't have kidlets) said she felt weird being out and didn't really know what to do. Our solution..get the tequilas down our necks, some more vino and we were dancing with the rest of em. If you can't beat em, join em!

I didn't make it past 2am and didn't make a fool out of myself like I used to but it was so good to get out and be me again, not just a mama!

Sunday was a struggle with a bit of a sore head but a very bloody good lunch out  in the sticks, in the sunshine sorted me right out! 

And being home with the kids and Lee again made me realise I'm not just a boring mum. Just that I've got a brilliant job.

 

My Beauts

 

27 Days

These past 27 days have mainly been me trying to keep this ruddy house tidy (near impossible most days), trying to control the terror that my lovely first born is becoming, waving bye to loved ones, keeping bugs and infections away and catching up on A LOT of lost shut eye.

I've been a bit lost for inspiration and time for post's. I've been catching up on some on my favourite blogs, like More That Toast, I'm Only Saying What You're Thinking & oh! you pretty things on a daily bases and they give me the oomph the write but then I loose it. And then a month has passed and I still haven't written anything.

To be honest I haven't exactly pushed the blog for readers, it's mainly just for me to off load and if someone reads then I'm happy. I'm a bit scared that if I do push for readers then I still won't get any or people will find me boring. Silly? I think so.

So instead of trying to rack my baby shrivelled brains for a stupidly long post about what we've been doing over the past 27 days, I'll show you in true instagram stylee. And in the mean time I'll give my inner blogging self a kick up the ass and tell her to snap out of this silly mood.

 

 Found some old pictures of the boy as a little chub...the quiet days before little shit syndrome set in!

 

 

What I do most days

 

 

 

A rare moment when these kidlets sleep at the same time!

 

3 months old to the hr! STOP GROWING!

 

 

Breast feeding 3 months on..

To say that I'm proud of Isla and I for feeding for 3 solid months would be a major under statement! I never dreamt we would make it this far, it was hard work to start with and it hurt so bad but I kept telling my self 'it will get better' and it has!

I've been reflecting alot over the past few weeks about how mine and Flynn's feeding experiance was and how different mine and Isla's has turn out.

Flynn was breastfed for 10 painful days, and then I exclusivly expressed my milk for him for about 4 months after that, It turned out too much for me, I felt like if i wasnt giving him a bottle I was expressing and it run me down. I admitted 'defeat' (in my eyes) gave him the last of the breast milk i had left over, switched to formula, and went to the Dr's for PND. I felt like a massive failiure that I didn't have the strength to feed my own baby what the health care professionals say is best!

Looking back now I was SO hard on myself! I did what I could as a first time mum who had no idea what she was doing! And Flynn hasn't been affected for not being breast fed for the first 6 months of his life! What affect could he possibly have!? None.

However..I dont doubt or have a problem with formula. You have to do what you have to do to have a heathy & happy mama and baby.

Breast feeding could not be easier this time round..reason being - I knew what not to do.
* Don't hold back on feelings, if it hurts or you feel a bit lost with it all, seek help. Health visitors & breast feeding consultants are there to help and they work wonders.
* Use Lansinoh. It's a miricle in a tube. After two tubes, my poor sore nips were back to normal health. Expensive at £10 but SO worth it!
* It does definatley 100% get easier. You don't hear this enough! People say it but dont stress it enough. I read a few times that after 12 weeks you'll be a breast feeding pro. I thought what utter bull shit, IT HURTS! But it really does happen.

If things turned out like they did with Flynn I would have switched to formula sooner and not been so hard on myself and just been proud of however long we lasted. I only choose breast over bottle because it's so much easier. No washing, no sterilising, no faffing at 3am.
Such a lovely feeling to put a wide awake baby down and come back to see this..

*This was not a sponsored post just my own thoughts.

Busy

Busy mad week. Some good bits, some bad bits. Mainly involved me shouting at flynn ALOT! The child just does not listen, so I have to repeat my message to him several times, voice getting louder each time. I then feel guilty for shouting and telling off. I seem to be the only one who tells him off. I always say to myself "pick your battles well with flynn" other wise I end up telling him off non stop but I seem to be telling him off non stop anyway. Infuriating.

People like to turn up at my door unannounced, which is ok, i dont mind company. But sometimes a little heads up wouldnt go a miss. I do have two young things to look after so clothes and makeup dont really happen. So when people just turn up it makes me feel pretty shit as I look a mess and probably havnt brushed my teeth. Not nice. They also turn up at really good times like when im trying to get flynn to sleep or have my boobs out. Again, very fucking annoying. Like I said I dont mind company. Sometimes.

Good point is he started nursery on Wednesday. We only went to see it on Tuesday but they had spaces and he played so nicely for the short time we were there on the Tuesday that she said he could start straight away. Dropped him off the next day and he could not wait to get through those doors. Not even a hug. Not even a goodbye! The little shit didnt even realise I had gone. No tears. No looking back. Two and a half years ive nurtured that boy and he didnt even realise I was gone!

So to end this week nicely I indulged in a bloody amazing massage and some reflexology to 'balance my hormones'. Heres to a happier me. 

Silent sunday

Matilda Mae

I read very few blogs religiously but the ones I do read I love to keep up to date with. Most of them involving lovely mums and their lovely kidlets. So I dedicate this post to Jennie at Edspire, who I discovered when i fell pregnant with Isla, she was pregnant at the same time. She suddenly lost her baby girl Matilda Mae on sunday night. Matilda Mae was a gloriously happy and healthy little girl, who was exactly 9 months old. This news has really touched my heart and I cant even begin to imagine the pain Jennie and her familly are going through. When you read about peoples lifes and families on a day to day basis you learn an aweful lot about who they are. This baby girl will be so desrly missed and I send all my love and strength to Jennie and her family at this very sad time.

23

23 is my new magic number. Old I know. Pah. I look about 25, feel 85. Other then that I had a lovely day on Tue,  was very spoilt with gifts and flowers and chocolates and a lovely thai dinner ordered from our favorite thai place. Was looking forward to my first glass of wine since finding out I was pregnant but Isla had other ideas and would not settle and fed on and off all evening so I had half a glass that was enjoyed by the sip over about 3 hrs! Had a late night. Wait for it. 10pm! Geez am I paying for it now. And will finish with going shopping tomorrow with Danielle. Lavley!

Isla 3 smiles

So I've had 3 smiles. First one was a complete surprise, a weekend when Lee was away, Flynn at his Nans, me with a towel on my head cooing over Isla as she had just woke up from a marathon 5hr nap and there it was. I didn't quite believe it at first as most of her smiles are wind but then it stayed longer and she was staring straight at me. I don't think people believed me though.
The second was on Saturday after a day out shopping. Lee carried Isla in the Bjorn the whole time and when we got home I was getting her out of the car seat and I said 'Did you miss Mummy' in my highest pitched voice going. Lee saw this one so it had to be real.
Third was tonight. She was having a melt down. Nothing was soothing her. So I took her into a quiet room. Asked her what was wrong. And a big beam came.

So rewarding after all these weeks of being used as a cow/dummy/comforter. After sitting surrounded by mess every where. After feeling more then a little unappreciated by all. Looking a mess and feeling like a zombie. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip and look like I'm a natural. All it took was a few smiles and I feel right as rain.

Until all the crying and mess starts to get to me again. And then another smile and all will be right in the world. Swings and roundabouts.

Until my next smile, this is all we get.



Silent sunday

Growth spurt and what not.

All I keep reading about when I type in the google machine "why is my baby feeding more?" Is "its probably a growth spurt, they happen at 2, 3, 6 weeks old blah blah". Well how long do these growth spurts go on for hey. One feed? One week? Obviously not. Why dont they just say "your baby will have a growth spurt from the minute they are born up until 12 weeks" were pretty much covered then. Again with routine. Just say "dont bother with getting your hopes up that your baby will sleep for 4 hours at a time because they're going to have a growth spurt and all will be thrown". No confusion there. No lies. No getting my hopes up thay sleep is on the horizon.

"Sleep when baby sleeps" BALLSHIT. How do you expect me to do this! Im sure all parenting websites are talking at first time mothers. Sleep when baby sleeps. Pah. My house would be utter mayhem. Flynn would run riot. But I suppose I would have caught up on sleep to deal with the dilemma.

Thank god I haven't clung onto every bit of advise ive read/heard otherwise I'd be pulling my hair out. Instead ive decided to go with my instincts and feed baby when she wants to be fed. Clean when I get the chance. Play with flynn as much as possible. And laze in my pyjamas most of the day. Lazy yes. Helpful extremely. Why waste what little brain power I have at the moment on the small things. Babies come first. Happy quite babies. Happy calm mama!

Lowsy

I feel shit. Damn right shit. I haven't washed my hair since I cant remember. Left the house for longer then 5 minutes. Had a conversation that didnt involve the kids. Hoovered. Made the bed or got dressed for that matter. Its making me feel trapped. I knew having 2 would be difficult on my emotions and the housework. But I wasnt quite prepared. I thought I was. You can't ballshit a ballshitter.

I dont know if its just because I'm mega tired but my emotions are on speed. Flying high and ive lost control. I feel like ive lost who I am again. I thought I had gained her back but she's slipped away under the nappies and eye bags. It all rang true the other day when Lee's sister came round, admittedly I was knackered, but all I wanted to do was go. Leave the situation. My mind was blank and I had nothing to say. Later that evening a friend came round to meet Isla and then they both went out for a few drinks. There was a last minute 'do you want to come Sarah?' Which was an obvious no, seeing as I look like I should be living on the streets with a baby stuck to my tits none stop. Then when isla was having a night feed at 2am the tears started rolling, I dont have any friends.  Lee's sister was once my best friend. Before I met Lee.  Before I had babies and became boring. We're still close but I became a shit friend when the PND came with Flynn and I was too scaed to answer the phone. The friend that came round I met through Lee's sister anyway and she only came round because Danielle was here and they were going out for a drink. Nothing to do with me. My other close friend is all the way in New Zealand, being free as a bird. And thats it. All my other friends aren't ones I can really talk to. Some I've met through having babies and others just along the way.

The hideous 'I want to be alone' feeling is slowly crawling back, I dont want to answer the phone and I dont want anyone round. My only friend seems to be my mum at the moment. As much as I love my mum and she does so much for us but I need more. Im starting to sound like a lost child.

Its only been 2 days of feeling like this, I haven't had a nap in the day for the past few days though which seems to really help. And been going to bed later then ive wanted so that hasnt helped. Lee's gone away this weekend to celebrate a friend's 30th. I again am missing out. I dont want to say PND at the moment but im not going to rule it out. I see the Dr for my 6 week post-natal check up next friday so we'll see what happens between now and then.

Hopefully some smiles and love.

1 month

Time flies when you're being milked like a cow! My teeny weeny newborn is growing right before my very eyes and I feel like im missing it all. I've never seen a baby grow so quick. I can feel her gaining weight with every gulp of milk she takes. And thats all down to me. If I wasnt so freaking knackered (understatement) I'd be glowing all over. The glow is there its just hidden by bags and pyjamas and a messy house. I cant believe how much im in love, not just with Isla but with my Flynn aswell. Ive fallen in love with him all over again. Hes still the devil child at times but he's so in love with Isla it melts my heart. I can see how much he's grown up aswell, it makes me feel proud. I must be doing something right. I keep saying I have now idea what I'm doing with these kidlets but when I step back and have a proper look I can see they're both thriving. I may never catch up on sleep and look like a backward zombie forever more but I have two very gorgeous little bubbys to show for it. We survived a whole month in one piece. Just about.

Silent sunday

Dummy dummy!

I have no idea what im doing with these kids! Who ever said second time round its easier is a pure lier! Isla is a dream and flynn still seems to really love her! My problem is the breastfeeding. We have no routine at all. Im guessing im feeding her properly as it doesnt hurt anymore and by the feel of her shes putting on loads of weight. Other wise ive no idea if she is feeding well at all. I dont know if shes full or satisfied. She seems to feed ALOT! Mainly in the morning and around dinner time which is a bitch because I need to do things at both those times to feel human! I feel like I just feed her to send her off to sleep most feeds. So instead of being a dummy I consulted in the trusty mums of babycentre.  "No no dont use a dummy it will decrease your milk supply" were the  replies I got. Oh great. How ever hard I tried to listen I just couldnt. But I feel super bad for it. Am I just being selfish and stuffing rubber in her mouth when really shes hungry? But if shes hungry she wouldnt fall asleep would she? Oo the questions! Flynn had a dummy. This was because he was using the bottle as a dummy, giving himself wind, spuuing up what he had just eaten, thus needing more milk to fill the hole, back to square one, vicious circle.  Im thinking Isla is the same. A sucker. But my poor nips cant take the job of a dummy if this is the case. But I dont want to loose milk just because I dont have a clue what im doing! I nope this resolves itself as I really dont know what im doing. 

Silent sunday

Dear so and so..

Dear Isla,

Girl you LOVE to eat! If it were possible you'd be sucking me dry. Im not complaining I'm loving our cuddles together but if you could give me a break between the hours of 5pm till 11pm I would be eternally grateful. All I need is a little sleep to keep me going, I appreciate you slept for two 4 hrs straight last night but I didn't get any kip from 6am till 11pm! Im propping my eyes open with tooth picks here. Im just being dramatic,  atleast im giving you the good stuff you need and I know you like it so I suppose we're onto a winning streak here.

Love from her who has never had bags this size before.

Dear Flynn,

I hope you don't think I'm neglecting you mate. Its just your wee sister is a guzzler and im not too great at multi tasking just yet. I know you love spending time with all the people I've been fobbing you off with, so dont make me feel too bad. I still love you and we'll do lots of fun stuff together soon. Not today though as it's raining cats and dogs out there but soon. Promise.

Love from her who needs 10 pairs of hands and 3 bodies.

Dear self,

Don't be so hard in your self. You can't conquer the world (yet). If the house is a mess, hey ho. If the dishes are piled high, care bears. If you cant leave the house when you want, big deal. Just consentrate on making Isla a fatty, keeping Flynn smiling and happy and keeping your mind clear and working properly. Dont stress, its still early days.

Love her who cares too much.

Resolution

I've been thinking long and hard about what resolution I want to make and try really hard not to break. No booze..that's easy as I'm breast feeding. No sweets...I can live without anyway. Exercise more...no chance, I don't even get a chance to wee let alone get out the house by myself. This pointless list could go on, so I came to the conclusion to think a bit deeper, delve in a bit more and think about me. Me as a mother, as a friend, lover, and me just for me. My mind is always going 1000mph...dinner, dishes, Flynn, washing, Isla, money money money, what side did I feed her last, is Flynn happy enough...I give my self a ruddy headache sometimes. So 2013 is a year to clear my mind and keep moving forward. I suffered with PND for quite some time after I had Flynn and it was the most terrifying place to be, I hated the person I was and was scared to be me. I hid in a small hole from the people who loved me most and kept telling myself I didn't need to come out. Little things like answering the phone, even to people I knew, shook me up. Leaving the house was a struggle and getting up out of bed even worse. I was in a deep dark place, even with the help of antidepressants. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone!
So here's to looking up and onwards, to a happier healthier mind and to keep open arms to all the people I love. I'm not going to tell myself this is going to be easy, but I'm going to give it a god damn good go I tell ya!

"Everyone's a bit tired"

The next time I hear these words come out of my mother's or brothers mouths I will loose my marbles! Everyone else (who, I don't know who they mean) probably is tired, but I couldn't give 2 shits. Don't come crying to a breastfeeding mother of 2 with mastitis, dirty hair, dirty house, aching back blahblahblah. I've just sat here with a baby who just loves to be massively unsettled as soon as I say "I'm going to bed now" for an hour and a half, with the words "I'm tired" whirling round my head. The words are not mine but everyone else's. Please everyone else fuck off and refrain from telling me your 'tired' because I couldn't care less. Thank you and good night.

Time to give up..

This potty training shit is bringing me right down! 6 months is not a healthy time for a child still not to understand the concepts of pants and the potty. Flynn is 2 and a half and I think it's time I stop being selfish and just let Flynn be a baby a little bit longer. So what if he still wears a nappy, where's the king who's going to be-head us for breaking the 'rules'. I thought he would have it by now but obviously he has over ideas. Maybe in 3 months time I'll start again. But for my own sanity, probably Lee's aswell, our relationship, and for the sake of whats left of Flynn's toddlerhood it's goodbye you bloody potty and hello pull-ups. For now. I'll kick your ass one day.

Breastfeeding

This post has been sat here a few days waiting to be finished, waiting for the right words to actually come to mind. I'm so proud of Isla and I, 14 days of exclusive breastfeeding with only a minor glitch of mastitis in my right boob, I say minor it bloody hurts, really fucking hurts actually! but I have to feed of it still to drain it, not sure how well our latch is as my boob is SO full and sore I can't see how she's getting a good mouthful, the outer side of the nipple is actually cracked in a long line (the side where the top of her mouth would be) so I think that explains her latch. Luckily my lovely Dr saw me in my hour of need after the surgery had closed monday night to look at the damage and give me some antibiotics, which are making Isla quite unsettled and feed ALOT! She'll go 4 hrs, then 1 hrs, then 2, then 1! I'm not sure if we're doing the right thing, or if she's getting enough milk. When she does feed off the right side (mastitis side) it hurts on the first latch but then eases off, but I don't hear her having a good gulp like she does on the left side, has my milk supply gone down? We have to finish on the left after most feeds for her to settle, but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do! I'm racking my brains here! The left side is a dream to feed from, soo comfortable. A feeling I never had with Flynn, we fed for 10 days, and those 10 days included ALOT of pain, every feed brought me to tears I just had to stop. I did however express after so he still had my milk as I had so much of it I couldn't see it wasted! So I know how a good and bad latch should feel. I have that knowledge least! The rest I'm absolutely clueless about. I have no idea what we're doing really! I never made it past day 10 before so I don't know what should be happening. All I know is that the left side is good and the right side needs to be as good as the left, how I'll get there..no idea? The health visitor is coming tomorrow morning so hopefully Isla's weight has gone up nicely and she can give me some light at the end of the tunnel. I quite like my boobs and have never looked after them so much after Flynn chomped them half to death. So to 'fail' again at feeding would really devastate me. I have milk for my baby that will make her super woman and me super skinny (one can hope) so let's hope these pills fix the wrong and were back on track..on knees praying!