Lowsy

I feel shit. Damn right shit. I haven't washed my hair since I cant remember. Left the house for longer then 5 minutes. Had a conversation that didnt involve the kids. Hoovered. Made the bed or got dressed for that matter. Its making me feel trapped. I knew having 2 would be difficult on my emotions and the housework. But I wasnt quite prepared. I thought I was. You can't ballshit a ballshitter.

I dont know if its just because I'm mega tired but my emotions are on speed. Flying high and ive lost control. I feel like ive lost who I am again. I thought I had gained her back but she's slipped away under the nappies and eye bags. It all rang true the other day when Lee's sister came round, admittedly I was knackered, but all I wanted to do was go. Leave the situation. My mind was blank and I had nothing to say. Later that evening a friend came round to meet Isla and then they both went out for a few drinks. There was a last minute 'do you want to come Sarah?' Which was an obvious no, seeing as I look like I should be living on the streets with a baby stuck to my tits none stop. Then when isla was having a night feed at 2am the tears started rolling, I dont have any friends.  Lee's sister was once my best friend. Before I met Lee.  Before I had babies and became boring. We're still close but I became a shit friend when the PND came with Flynn and I was too scaed to answer the phone. The friend that came round I met through Lee's sister anyway and she only came round because Danielle was here and they were going out for a drink. Nothing to do with me. My other close friend is all the way in New Zealand, being free as a bird. And thats it. All my other friends aren't ones I can really talk to. Some I've met through having babies and others just along the way.

The hideous 'I want to be alone' feeling is slowly crawling back, I dont want to answer the phone and I dont want anyone round. My only friend seems to be my mum at the moment. As much as I love my mum and she does so much for us but I need more. Im starting to sound like a lost child.

Its only been 2 days of feeling like this, I haven't had a nap in the day for the past few days though which seems to really help. And been going to bed later then ive wanted so that hasnt helped. Lee's gone away this weekend to celebrate a friend's 30th. I again am missing out. I dont want to say PND at the moment but im not going to rule it out. I see the Dr for my 6 week post-natal check up next friday so we'll see what happens between now and then.

Hopefully some smiles and love.