Motherhood should come with some sort of disclaimer that you sign when you're about to take your precious bundle home from hospital. Number one will be - you will feel guilty about your decisions 90% of the time.
With out a doubt this is how I feel anyway. I feel guilty when I shout a little too loud, when I'm force feeding flynn is breakfast/lunch/dinner which he never wants to eat EVER. I feel guilty for giving him chocolate, for not giving him chocolate, for sending him to bed early or late. The list is endless.
This particular week I feel guilty for needing space. You know that thing you left behind at the hospital along with that invisible disclaimer. Yeah that long lost space that you will never gain back (no.2 on the disclaimer).
I feel like all I've done in the past couple of weeks is loose my rag. Over silly things and important things. But probably mostly silly, stupid, kick myself for things.
So my glorious Mother is going to take flynn on an wee trip to stay with my brother in Cardiff today. Guess what. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting the space we both need, I feel guilty for constantly telling off and now feel selfish for booting him out with Nanny for 3 days. And I'm going to miss him like loosing my right arm. But oh dear lord I need to breath.
So this morning was one of them fuck off mornings when all you want to do is get out the house and do the school run but one's playing stupid, the others done a poo EVERYWHERE, now the other is taking their clothes off. FML. So when we got to nursery (late) I realised I'm not going to see him now until Thursday night. Gah I held the tears back. I never even got to say bye properly as he's so desperate to get in there. Not that he probably cares. Now im babbling because I feel like a terrible mother.
I just pray to god he comes home a less distructive toddler and starts to listen the first time I say something not the 8th. And that I'm a more chilled, less shouty horrible mama. Calm!
