Growth spurt and what not.

All I keep reading about when I type in the google machine "why is my baby feeding more?" Is "its probably a growth spurt, they happen at 2, 3, 6 weeks old blah blah". Well how long do these growth spurts go on for hey. One feed? One week? Obviously not. Why dont they just say "your baby will have a growth spurt from the minute they are born up until 12 weeks" were pretty much covered then. Again with routine. Just say "dont bother with getting your hopes up that your baby will sleep for 4 hours at a time because they're going to have a growth spurt and all will be thrown". No confusion there. No lies. No getting my hopes up thay sleep is on the horizon.

"Sleep when baby sleeps" BALLSHIT. How do you expect me to do this! Im sure all parenting websites are talking at first time mothers. Sleep when baby sleeps. Pah. My house would be utter mayhem. Flynn would run riot. But I suppose I would have caught up on sleep to deal with the dilemma.

Thank god I haven't clung onto every bit of advise ive read/heard otherwise I'd be pulling my hair out. Instead ive decided to go with my instincts and feed baby when she wants to be fed. Clean when I get the chance. Play with flynn as much as possible. And laze in my pyjamas most of the day. Lazy yes. Helpful extremely. Why waste what little brain power I have at the moment on the small things. Babies come first. Happy quite babies. Happy calm mama!

Lowsy

I feel shit. Damn right shit. I haven't washed my hair since I cant remember. Left the house for longer then 5 minutes. Had a conversation that didnt involve the kids. Hoovered. Made the bed or got dressed for that matter. Its making me feel trapped. I knew having 2 would be difficult on my emotions and the housework. But I wasnt quite prepared. I thought I was. You can't ballshit a ballshitter.

I dont know if its just because I'm mega tired but my emotions are on speed. Flying high and ive lost control. I feel like ive lost who I am again. I thought I had gained her back but she's slipped away under the nappies and eye bags. It all rang true the other day when Lee's sister came round, admittedly I was knackered, but all I wanted to do was go. Leave the situation. My mind was blank and I had nothing to say. Later that evening a friend came round to meet Isla and then they both went out for a few drinks. There was a last minute 'do you want to come Sarah?' Which was an obvious no, seeing as I look like I should be living on the streets with a baby stuck to my tits none stop. Then when isla was having a night feed at 2am the tears started rolling, I dont have any friends.  Lee's sister was once my best friend. Before I met Lee.  Before I had babies and became boring. We're still close but I became a shit friend when the PND came with Flynn and I was too scaed to answer the phone. The friend that came round I met through Lee's sister anyway and she only came round because Danielle was here and they were going out for a drink. Nothing to do with me. My other close friend is all the way in New Zealand, being free as a bird. And thats it. All my other friends aren't ones I can really talk to. Some I've met through having babies and others just along the way.

The hideous 'I want to be alone' feeling is slowly crawling back, I dont want to answer the phone and I dont want anyone round. My only friend seems to be my mum at the moment. As much as I love my mum and she does so much for us but I need more. Im starting to sound like a lost child.

Its only been 2 days of feeling like this, I haven't had a nap in the day for the past few days though which seems to really help. And been going to bed later then ive wanted so that hasnt helped. Lee's gone away this weekend to celebrate a friend's 30th. I again am missing out. I dont want to say PND at the moment but im not going to rule it out. I see the Dr for my 6 week post-natal check up next friday so we'll see what happens between now and then.

Hopefully some smiles and love.

1 month

Time flies when you're being milked like a cow! My teeny weeny newborn is growing right before my very eyes and I feel like im missing it all. I've never seen a baby grow so quick. I can feel her gaining weight with every gulp of milk she takes. And thats all down to me. If I wasnt so freaking knackered (understatement) I'd be glowing all over. The glow is there its just hidden by bags and pyjamas and a messy house. I cant believe how much im in love, not just with Isla but with my Flynn aswell. Ive fallen in love with him all over again. Hes still the devil child at times but he's so in love with Isla it melts my heart. I can see how much he's grown up aswell, it makes me feel proud. I must be doing something right. I keep saying I have now idea what I'm doing with these kidlets but when I step back and have a proper look I can see they're both thriving. I may never catch up on sleep and look like a backward zombie forever more but I have two very gorgeous little bubbys to show for it. We survived a whole month in one piece. Just about.

Silent sunday

Dummy dummy!

I have no idea what im doing with these kids! Who ever said second time round its easier is a pure lier! Isla is a dream and flynn still seems to really love her! My problem is the breastfeeding. We have no routine at all. Im guessing im feeding her properly as it doesnt hurt anymore and by the feel of her shes putting on loads of weight. Other wise ive no idea if she is feeding well at all. I dont know if shes full or satisfied. She seems to feed ALOT! Mainly in the morning and around dinner time which is a bitch because I need to do things at both those times to feel human! I feel like I just feed her to send her off to sleep most feeds. So instead of being a dummy I consulted in the trusty mums of babycentre.  "No no dont use a dummy it will decrease your milk supply" were the  replies I got. Oh great. How ever hard I tried to listen I just couldnt. But I feel super bad for it. Am I just being selfish and stuffing rubber in her mouth when really shes hungry? But if shes hungry she wouldnt fall asleep would she? Oo the questions! Flynn had a dummy. This was because he was using the bottle as a dummy, giving himself wind, spuuing up what he had just eaten, thus needing more milk to fill the hole, back to square one, vicious circle.  Im thinking Isla is the same. A sucker. But my poor nips cant take the job of a dummy if this is the case. But I dont want to loose milk just because I dont have a clue what im doing! I nope this resolves itself as I really dont know what im doing. 

Silent sunday

Dear so and so..

Dear Isla,

Girl you LOVE to eat! If it were possible you'd be sucking me dry. Im not complaining I'm loving our cuddles together but if you could give me a break between the hours of 5pm till 11pm I would be eternally grateful. All I need is a little sleep to keep me going, I appreciate you slept for two 4 hrs straight last night but I didn't get any kip from 6am till 11pm! Im propping my eyes open with tooth picks here. Im just being dramatic,  atleast im giving you the good stuff you need and I know you like it so I suppose we're onto a winning streak here.

Love from her who has never had bags this size before.

Dear Flynn,

I hope you don't think I'm neglecting you mate. Its just your wee sister is a guzzler and im not too great at multi tasking just yet. I know you love spending time with all the people I've been fobbing you off with, so dont make me feel too bad. I still love you and we'll do lots of fun stuff together soon. Not today though as it's raining cats and dogs out there but soon. Promise.

Love from her who needs 10 pairs of hands and 3 bodies.

Dear self,

Don't be so hard in your self. You can't conquer the world (yet). If the house is a mess, hey ho. If the dishes are piled high, care bears. If you cant leave the house when you want, big deal. Just consentrate on making Isla a fatty, keeping Flynn smiling and happy and keeping your mind clear and working properly. Dont stress, its still early days.

Love her who cares too much.